Dear Science Creative Quarterly,
Some of my friends and my science teacher tell me that there is no Flying Spaghetti Monster. The Kansas School Board says that there is no Flying Spaghetti Monster. My dad said that if you see it in the Science Creative Quarterly, then it is so. I am certain I have seen pirates in Kansas as well. Please tell me the truth. Is there a Flying Spaghetti Monster, even in Kansas? Are there pirates in Kansas?
123 Main Street
Your little friends and your science teacher are very wrong. Yes, there is a Flying Spaghetti Monster, even in Kansas. He is everywhere. Your friends and the Kansas School Board have been affected by the scepticism of a sceptical age. The Flying Spaghetti Monster certainly exists. He exists as certainly as there are mountains, midgets and trees. He exists as certainly as there is avioli, linguini and cannelloni. No Flying Spaghetti Monster? Of course there is a Flying Spaghetti Monster. And proof of His existence is validated by the casual connection, the statistically inverse relationship – between global warming and the number of pirates. That observable evidence is bedrock proof of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Those who do not believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster would tell you that in the beginning, the world and the universe were created by an unseen intelligent power – in their story called “Intelligent Design”. But they do not tell us who created the designer, thus setting up one of those impossible chicken-and-the-egg circular questions that cannot be resolved.
But all of this is avoided when you consider the Flying Spaghetti Monster. One is unlikely to be be-devilled by such questions when considering a plate of pasta. The existence of midgets, mountains and trees also negates the need for such questions. Intelligent Design is likely to ruin breakfast forever, because one would be so consumed by the unintelligent mysteries of a fake theory that one could never again consume breakfast. In fact Intelligent Design might start mass worldwide malnutrition.
And yes, Virginia, there are pirates in Kansas. Pirates are everywhere, and they help spread the word of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The recent snowstorms in Kansas are proof of the valiant fight against global warming. It has not snowed because it is winter. Global warming does not respect calendars. No, it has snowed because the number of pirates in Kansas has increased.
And here is a chart to prove it:
Irrefutable statistically valid evidence of the link between the amount of snow in Kansas and the number of pirates. As the number of pirates has increased, so has the amount of snow. The Kansas School Board would like to hide this fact. It would like to keep this simple chart from being part of the science curriculum of the Kansas schools.
Do not believe the Kansas School Board, Virginia. Believe in the power of charts. These offer observable, irrefutable scientific evidence of the existence of pirates, pasta and the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
A Kansas pirate who intercepted this letter on its way to the Science Creative Quarterly.