A classic argument for the existence of God is known as the Ontological Argument (henceforth OA). This argument was developed by St. Anselm in the eleventh century, but has been greatly improved upon in the ensuing years. The argument, in a nutshell, is that a perfect being must necessarily exist. It is part of the very nature of a perfect being to be real- all beings which do not exist are by definition imperfect. This is because it is better to exist than to not exist (i.e. to exist brings you closer to perfection). So if we can merely conceive of a perfect being, then it must, on pain of contradiction, be real.
In a popular formulation of the OA, we are asked to imagine a being of which no greater can be conceived. One might motivate this process by creating a list of perfections. Reasonably, such a list would include omnipotence, omniscience, benevolence, being the creator of all of reality, and so on. We are then asked to compare this list with one in which the characteristic of “actual existence” has been added. Obviously the second list describes a more perfect being. It is clear then that the first list was not a description of a being of which no greater can be conceived. No matter what characteristics we have imagined, actual existence would be an improvement. Hence whatever characteristics we attribute to our perfect being, existence must be one of them.
While there have been many criticisms of the ontological argument, from Kantian metaphysics to modern quantificational logic, we believe all such challenges can be answered. However, we do not have time to review the nuances of this debate. (For more detailed information, please visit here).
Traditionally it has been argued (to be frank, it has generally only been assumed) that the necessarily existent perfect being fits comfortably into the Judeo-Christian mold. Now surely any perfect being has the characteristics listed above: it is omnipotent, omniscient, benevolent, and the creator of all of reality. Here we have no quarrel with tradition. However, we will soon see that there are several other characteristics which have been overlooked (or suppressed) by philosophers and theologians during the last millennium. We propose that a careful review of the reasoning behind the OA will indicate that rather than the God of the Judeo-Christian tradition, the OA indicates the existence of a mass of starchy substance capable of gravity resistance. Such a being must necessarily be, and so all denials of its existence involve blatant logical contradiction.
We will begin our argument with an experience most people can share. When a young person moves away from home and goes to college, he finds himself confronted for the first time with the task of providing himself with the necessities of life. For many a college freshman, this proves a nearly insurmountable task. While one can survive without paying the gas, electric, and phone bills, all living things require sustenance in order to continue to live. And what is the staple diet of the impoverished student? Ramen noodles, macaroni and cheese, and spaghetti. But it is not merely college students in first world nations who subsist on this food. The staple diet of a large portion of humanity is starchy noodles. The unique properties of this foodstuff make it the most popular form of subsistence in all of recorded history. Noodles are high in caloric content, they are nutritious, and they are simple and easy to produce. Clearly then, noodles are an objectively superior food. Indeed, noodles are the perfect food.
We will demonstrate that our perfect being must be made of the most perfect food. Before we continue, however, a potentially serious objection must be met.
Some will argue that because rice is a staple diet of so many people in the world, it must be the more perfect food. On the contrary, we argue that rice is a profoundly evil form of sustenance. The corrupting nature of rice should be evident to anyone who has taken seriously the twentieth century battles against the evils of Communism. This small, deceptive grain has provided the fuel for millions of Communist soldiers, Communist spies, and Communist infiltrators. What countries remain Communist in the twenty-first century? China, Vietnam, and Korea come to mind immediately. Now what food is most commonly associated with these nations? Certainly not spaghetti! The case against rice should be immediately clear. (As a side note, this result should be of more than casual philosophical interest. A central part of modern struggles against tyranny should involve changing the eating habits of those living under oppressive regimes.)
Now, why must a perfect being be composed of the perfect food? The argument is surprisingly straightforward. Since food is necessary for life, and life is more perfect than non-life, food is the fundamental substance, or substratum, of all living things. All living things are made of food. The perfect being exists, and because it is a being (rather than a non-being, such as a very small rock), it is necessarily alive. But of what shall our most perfect being be made? The most perfect food. Hence, the perfect being is made of some kind of pasta.
Another perfection is gravity resistance. Modern science holds that gravity is a “weak” force. However, this is in clear contradiction to the evidence. Anyone who has ever climbed a flight of stairs, fallen from a great height, or hiked up a mountain can attest that gravity is a strong force indeed. The scientific elites tell us otherwise, but the contradictions in modern physics are evident to even the most casual observer. If gravity were a weak force, then surely the rotation of the earth would cast us all into space. Does electromagnetism keep Mt. Everest in its place? Even a child can see the contradictions here. Only someone with an overabundance of education could deny the evidence of their senses in such an absurd way. Contrary to modern physics (which is corrupted by naturalism, evolutionism, and anti-pasta-ism), gravity is the strongest force in the universe. Surely, then, a perfect being is capable of resisting the greatest force in His creation. Hence, our perfect being is capable of gravity resistance (i.e. flight).
We hope this essay enables the reader to see the rational necessity of belief in the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
The truths of this world are not difficult to find, and much effort (and money!) could be saved if we were willing to accept the futility and error of so-called “scientific” reasoning and spend our time in careful contemplation of His Noodly Greatness.
(1) The arguments which demonstrate that a perfect being would require mortals to dress as pirates are too obvious to merit inclusion in this essay. This derivation is left for the reader.
(2) On the matter of spheres of meaty substance in the pasta matrix, we remain agnostic. One must not extend one’s reasoning beyond what is available in terms of first principles and evidence. Some room must be left for faith.