- FROM THE ARCHIVES -

The toilet seat problem has been the subject of much controversey. In this paper we consider a simplified model of the toilet seat problem. We shall show that for this model there is an inherent conflict of interest which can be resolved by a equity solution.

Consider a bathroom with one omnipurpose toilet (also known as a WC) which is used for two toilet operations which we shall designate as #1 and #2. The toilet has an attachment which we shall refer to as the seat (but see remark 1 below) which may be in either of two positions which we shall designate as up and down.

Toilet operations are performed by members of the human species (see remark 2 below) who fall into two categories, popularly designated as male and female. For convenience we shall use the name John to refer to the typical male and Marsha to refer to the typical female.

The performance of toilet operations by John and Marsha differ in a number of respects. The costs of these operations are peculiar to the respective sexes and are fixed except with respect to the position of the toilet seat. In particular:

Marsha performs toilet operations #1 and #2 with the seat in the down position. John performs toilet operation #1 with the seat in the up position and toilet operation #2 with the seat in the down position. If the seat is in the wrong position before performing the toilet operation the position must be changed at an average cost C. Optionally the position may be changed after performing the toilet operation, also at an average cost C. (Changing the position of the seat during the performance of a toilet operation is beyond the scope of this note and is definitely not recommended.)

Consider the scenario where John and Marsha each use a separate toilet. It should be obvious to the most casual observer that each minimizes the seat position transfer cost by not altering the seat position after performing a toilet operation.

For Marsha the seat position transfer cost is 0 since all operations are performed with the seat in the down position. For John the cost is greater than 0 since seat position transfers must be performed.

Let p be the probability that John will perform a #1 operation vs a #2 operation. Assume that John optimizes his seat position transfer cost (see remark 3 below.) Then it is easy to determine that John’s average cost of seat position transfer per toilet opeation is

B = 2p(1-p)C

where B is the bachelor cost of toilet seat position transfers per toilet operation.

Now let us consider the scenario where John and Marsha cohabit and both use the same toilet. In our analysis we shall assume that John and Marsha perform toilet operations with the same frequency (see remark 4 below) and that the order in which they perform them is random. They discover to their mutual displeasure that their cohabitation adversely alters the toilet seat position transfer cost function for each of them. What is more there is an inherent conflict of interest. Attempts to resolve the problem typically revolve around two strategies which we shall designate as J and M

Strategy J
Each person retains the default strategy that they used before cohabiting. This strategy is proposed by John with the argument “Why does it matter if the seat is up or down?”. As we see below this strategy benefits John.

Strategy M
Each person leaves the seat down. This strategy is proposed by Marsha with the argument “It ought to be down.” As we see below this strategy benefits Marsha.

Consequences of strategy J:
Under strategy J the toilet seat is is in the up position with probability p/2. The respective average cost of toilet seat transfer operations for John and Marsha are:

John: p(3/2-p)C
Marsha: pC/2

The incremental costs (difference between pre and post habitation costs) are:

John: ( p – 1/2)pC
Marsha: pC/2
Total: (p^2)C

John’s incremental cost would actually be negative if p were less than 1/2. This is not the case; p>1/2. Note that Marsha’s incremental cost is greater than John’s for p<1. Marsha objects.

Consequences of strategy M:
In strategy M the seat is always left down. When John performs operation #1 he lifts the seat before the operation and lowers it after the operation. The respective average cost of toilet seat transfer operations is:

John: 2pC
Marsha: 0

The incremental costs are:

John: 2(p^2)C
Marsha: 0
Total: 2(p^2)C

In these strategy Marsha bears no cost; all of the incremental costs are borne by John. John objects. Note also that the combined incremental cost of strategy M is greater than that of strategy J.

It is notable that John and Marsha each advocates a strategy that benefits them. This is predictable under game theory. However the conflict over strategies has a cost M in marital discord that is greater than the cumulative cost of toilet seat transfers. It behooves John and Marsha, therefore, to adopt a strategy that minimizes M.

This is not simple. A common reaction is to advance sundry arguments to justify adopting strategy M or J. All such arguments are suspect because they are self serving (and often accompanied with the “If you loved me” ploy.) A sound strategy is one that is equitable and is seen to be equitable. In this regard there are three candidate criteria:

(1) Minimize the joint total cost
(2) Equalize the respective total costs
(3) Equalize the respective incremental costs

The argument for (1) is that John and Marsha are now as one and it is the joint costs and benefits of the union that should be considered. This principle is not universally accepted. It is readily seen that (see remark 5) that the joint total cost is optimized by strategy J which has already been seen to be suspect.

Criterion (2) seems plausible. It requires, however, that Marsha put the seat in the up position after performing a toilet operation some percentage of the time. No instance of this behaviour has ever been observed in recorded history; ergo this criterion can be ruled out. (But see remark 6.)

Criterion (3) argues that the mututal increased cost of toilet seat operations should be shared equitably, i.e., neither party should bear a disproportionate share of the costs of cohabitation. A short calculation reveals that criterion (3) can be achieved if John leaves the seat up after performing toilet operation #1 with a frequency

f = (2p-1)/p

Since the value of p is seldom precisely measured and is variable in any event it suffices to use an approximate value of f. If we assume that p=2/3 then f=1/2. This suggests the following convenient rule of thumb:

In the morning John leaves the seat up after performing #1.
In the evening he puts it down.

This rule may not be precise but it is simple and approximately equitable; moreover the use of a definite rule sets expectations. The seat is put down in the evening to avoid the notorious “middle of the night surprise”.

I expect that this analysis should settle the toilet seat controversey for once and for all – if John and Marsha are mathematicians.

* * *

Remark 1: The toilet has an additional attachment called the toilet seat lid which can only be down if the toilet seat is down. When the lid is down the toilet is (or should be) non-functional for toilet operations. Some persons maintain the toilet seat lid in the down position when the toilet is not use. For these persons the analysis in this note is moot. Such persons pay a fixed cost in seat movement for all toilet operations.

Remark 2: Toilets are also used by domestic animals as a convenient source of drinking water unless the lid is down. (See remark 1)

Remark 3: Experimental evidence suggests that almost all bachelors optimize the seat transfer cost, the exception being those who put the seat up after performing a #2 operation.

Remark 4: Folklore has it that Marsha performs more toilet operations than John, hypothetically because of a smaller bladder. John, however, drinks more beer. We shall not discuss his prostate problem.

Remark 5: “Readily seen” in this context means “It looks obvious but I don’t know how to prove it; you figure it out.”

Remark 6: The toilet lid solution is to put the toilet lid down after all toilet operations. This solution imposes a cost of 2C on each party and is accordingly more expensive. It is, however, more esthetic. It also eliminates the “doggy drinking” problem.

- FROM THE ARCHIVES -

Imagine you’re at Starbucks. You’re halfway through a co-worker’s order (“half sweet, no foam, saffron-scented, opium-spritzed, …”) when two men wearing coveralls come in. You hear them talking about a car they’re fixing. Their garb has grease on it, various stains of indeterminate origin. They saunter up to the till, place their orders, and get their drinks before you because the trainee taking care of your order is running to the Starbucks across the street to find more panda blood for your co-worker’s beverage. Tapping your foot impatiently, you notice that the two guys in coveralls have parked themselves in what was your favorite spot, but now is a seat that you will avoid like the plague given that there will undoubtedly be oil stains on the cushion.

Okay – now replace this scenario with health care workers wearing their scrubs or lab coats out in public.

What the hell are these people thinking?

I am loath to be the high horse guy because I’ve cut corners too. I can be sloppy as Joe. But this is just so incredibly thoughtless that it just screams to be railed against. God only knows what kind of work these people do. Can you imagine if someone from a level 3 lab was pulling this stunt? I would hope that people working with that level would have more sense – and it’s likely that they do – but we can’t know for sure when we see that white coat out in public, can we? I mentioned that grease stains would make me avoid a befouled seat like the plague. In the case of the public lab coaters who take up residence in my coffee shop, I might be avoiding those seats so I won’t catch the Plague.

“Why would people do this?” I ask myself. (I actually have time to contemplate this while I’m still at Starbucks: even though the trainee did find some panda blood, that Love Potion Number 9 is proving hard to- track down.) My current theory is status. People wear the lab coat out of the lab because it says “I am important”. The whole thing smacks of the fresh new doctor who actually comes to a research lecture with his or her stethoscope draped over their shoulders, as if to say: “Yes, I am a doctor. I have the ability to SAVE LIVES. I have ANSWERS. I have come directly from a patient’s bedside to nod thoughtfully while this person discusses their data.”

Dude, as long you washed your hands and you shut off your pager, we won’t point and snicker.

I wonder if someone would suggest that lab coats are not removed because of time constraints. I will grant you that people might have to zip between two spots – say the clinic and the lab – and maybe there simply isn’t time to switch the coat. Okay. The coat might even be their only lab coat and they need it in two different locations. Fine. I’d even accept that it was really cold outside and the lab coat was kept on simply to stave off the elements while running from building to building.

But on a coffee break? Are you serious?

What ultimately slays me is that the cafeteria area back at the lab or hospital where the offending lab coater comes from almost certainly has a “no lab coats” policy. That means that the lab coater abides by a code that says that white coats may not be worn at the point of snack consumption, but that they may be worn at the point of snack purchase.

Don’t shit where you eat, but feel free to shit at the grocer’s.

What a wonderful piece of non-lunacy.

Anyways, here’s my advice: if you see someone wearing a lab coat or scrubs at a coffee shop and it pisses you off, ask them what kind of work they do. Act really interested. Let them tell you what kind of dreaded disease they are about to cure or what kind of dangerous samples they bravely handle each day.

Then ask them what sort of protection is required to do those experiments or interact with those particular patients.

The ensuing uncomfortableness will help you forget that the trainee spilled your co-worker’s drink on his boss and that it’ll be nightfall before you get back to work.

- FROM THE ARCHIVE -

Download the pdf (14pages, ~2.7Mb)

- FROM THE ARCHIVES -

SARAH: Daddy, were you in the shower?

DAD: Yes, I was in the shower.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: I was dirty. The shower gets me clean.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Why does the shower get me clean?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: Because the water washes the dirt away when I use soap.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Why do I use soap?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: Because the soap grabs the dirt and lets the water wash it off.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Why does the soap grab the dirt?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: Because soap is a surfactant.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Why is soap a surfactant?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: That is an EXCELLENT question. Soap is a surfactant because it forms water-soluble micelles that trap the otherwise insoluble dirt and oil particles.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Why does soap form micelles?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: Soap molecules are long chains with a polar, hydrophilic head and a non-polar, hydrophobic tail. Can you say ‘hydrophilic’?

SARAH: Aidrofawwic

DAD: And can you say ‘hydrophobic’?

SARAH: Aidrofawwic

DAD: Excellent! The word ‘hydrophobic’ means that it avoids water.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Why does it mean that?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: It’s Greek! ‘Hydro’ means water and ‘phobic’ means ‘fear of’. ‘Phobos’ is fear. So ‘hydrophobic’ means ‘afraid of water’.

SARAH: Like a monster?

DAD: You mean, like being afraid of a monster?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: A scary monster, sure. If you were afraid of a monster, a Greek person would say you were gorgophobic.

(pause)

SARAH: (rolls her eyes) I thought we were talking about soap.

DAD: We are talking about soap.

(longish pause)

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Why do the molecules have a hydrophilic head and a hydrophobic tail?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: Because the C-O bonds in the head are highly polar, and the C-H bonds in the tail are effectively non-polar.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Because while carbon and hydrogen have almost the same electronegativity, oxygen is far more electronegative, thereby polarizing the C-O bonds.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Why is oxygen more electronegative than carbon and hydrogen?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: That’s complicated. There are different answers to that question, depending on whether you’re talking about the Pauling or Mulliken electronegativity scales. The Pauling scale is based on homo- versus heteronuclear bond strength differences, while the Mulliken scale is based on the atomic properties of electron affinity and ionization energy. But it really all comes down to effective nuclear charge. The valence electrons in an oxygen atom have a lower energy than those of a carbon atom, and electrons shared between them are held more tightly to the oxygen, because electrons in an oxygen atom experience a greater nuclear charge and therefore a stronger attraction to the atomic nucleus! Cool, huh?

(pause)

SARAH: I don’t get it.

DAD: That’s OK. Neither do most of my students.

CHRISTMAS 1970.
by Spike Milligan
A little girl called Sile Javotte
Said ‘Look at the lovely presents I’ve got’
While a little girl in Biafra said
‘Oh what a lovely slice of bread’.

- – - – -

The SCQ wishes you a Happy Holidays, and invites you to please enjoy (or re-enjoy) some of our holiday flavoured pieces. Some older favourites will begin running again on December 27th, and the new? … Well, the new will return in the New Year on January 8th.

It’s a Wonderful Lab (by Vince LiCata)
T’was the Night ‘Fore the Conference (A Visit from Saint Aquinas) (by Chris Long)
A Bio-Christmas Carol (by Vince LiCata)
Is There a Santa? (by Paul Clarkson)
Rant from a Glacier – Concerned, Bitter, and Somehwere Near the North Pole (By David Ng)

- FROM THE ARCHIVES -

Characters:

Dr. Scrooge
Young Scrooge
Teen Scrooge
Scrooge’s mother
Dr. Jacob Marley
Graduate Student Bob Cratchett
Bob Cratchett’s wife
Tiny Tina
The Spirit of Christmas Past, a Developmental Biologist
The Spirit of Christmas Present, a Biochemist
The Spirit of Christmas Future, an Evolutionary Biologist
Faculty member #1
Faculty member #2
A boy

(14 characters if singly cast. Several parts could be double cast. Scrooge can be either male or female. The Spirits and Faculty Members can also be either gender).

- – - – -

Scene 1. “Scrooge’s Office”

Scrooge and Cratchett are sitting working at their desks. Cratchett is in the process of putting on his coat to leave.

SCROOGE: Cratchett, Cratchett you ingrate, come in here at once.

BOB CRATCHETT: Yes Dr. Scrooge?

SCROOGE: Cratchett, you’re not leaving are you?

BOB CRATCHETT: Well it is 10pm Dr. Scrooge.

SCROOGE: Have you finished those assays I asked you to do?

BOB CRATCHETT: Well, Dr. Scrooge, I started looking at—

SCROOGE: Cratchett you idiot, I told you we need those assays done immediately. What part of “immediately” don’t you understand?

BOB CRATCHETT: But, Dr. Scrooge, these are complicated assays.

SCROOGE: I know they’re complicated Cratchett, I developed them myself, don’t you think I know they’re complicated?

BOB CRATCHETT: I thought you and your old partner, Dr. Marley, developed them together?

SCROOGE: Don’t mention that man’s name to me Cratchett! You know that the mere mention of his name gives me a rash (he starts scratching himself as he talks). Yes, Jacob Marley and I did develop these assays together, I haven’t forgotten about him. But ever since he dropped out of science to become an Air Force Drill Instructor, I’ve had a hard time giving him any credit (he scratches some more and then suddenly stops). But you’re changing the subject Cratchett – what about those assays?

BOB CRATCHETT: I’m sorry Dr. Scrooge, but I haven’t quite finished them.

SCROOGE: Haven’t quite finished them? Haven’t quite finished them? Well, then you’ll just have to quite finish them tomorrow won’t you?

BOB CRATCHETT: Tomorrow? But tomorrow’s Christmas sir! And I was hoping to leave a little early today…

SCROOGE: CHRISTMAS???? CHRISTMAS???? Are you not a scientist Cratchett? I didn’t get to be chairman of this department by taking time off for the least little ridiculous reasons.

BOB CRATCHETT: Yes, yes, of course Dr. Scrooge. I’ll be here tomorrow. (He leaves)

SCROOGE: (to himself) These students, where do they get off thinking they can just take off for any little event in their lives that pops up?

(Two faculty members enter)

FACULTY MEMBER #1: Chairman Scrooge?

SCROOGE: Yes, what is it?

FACULTY MEMBER #1: Sorry to bother you on Christmas Eve and all, sir, but several of us on the faculty were discussing….um…..

FACULTY MEMBER #2: (picking up where F1 trails off) We were discussing the problem of low graduate student stipends —

SCROOGE: (cutting them off) LOW STIPENDS! LOW STIPENDS??!! How many times do I have to hear about these low stipends?

FACULTY MEMBER #1: Well, sir, some of the students don’t have enough to buy proper food.

FACULTY MEMBER #2: They eat generic pet food out of cans.

FACULTY MEMBER #1: And they live in cardboard boxes inside the labs.

SCROOGE: And, the problem is?

(Pause, F1 and F2 look at each other)

FACULTY MEMBER #2: Well, sir, we just thought we might be able to help them out a little.

FACULTY MEMBER #1: Perhaps with a little bit of a pay bonus, seeing as it’s Christmastime and all…

SCROOGE: Gentlemen, your concern for our dedicated young work force is touching, but as you know, as I know, and as they know: graduate school is only one step up from being in prison, without many of the disadvantages of actually being in prison, except in some labs—and (he points at them) I think you know which labs I mean. As such, however, the wretched little cretins should be content with what they have, and happy in the knowledge that they can bend over to pick up a pipette tip without fear.

FACULTY MEMBER #2: But, Dr. Scrooge…

SCROOGE: Thank you for stopping by gentlemen. The door is right there behind you (he points, and then goes back to work, ignoring them. They leave).

(After a moment, Scrooge closes his book, puts on his coat and starts to leave. Just before he leaves, he stops and laughs heartily, as if he had just heard an extremely funny joke)

SCROOGE: (after he stops laughing and catches his breath) Imagine, raising graduate student stipends, that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all day. (He exits)

- – - – -

Scene 2. Scrooge at home.

(Scrooge is at a desk in his house, working)

SCROOGE: Ah, this is one of my favorite tasks, deciding the yearly pay raises…(he consults the papers in front of him), let’s see now. Smith (he thinks a moment) plus 25% (he shouts/barks out each percentage, then he writes each “raise” down after he says it). Hmm….Jones….zero – and he’s lucky it’s that high, if I find one more dead fruit fly in my coffee I’m taking away some of his space. Okay..Roberts….minus three percent – and it will stay minus three percent until shaves that mangy beard off. Okay now….LiCata….zero – no wait, I forgot about that horrible Christmas play he wrote about me… minus 5 percent. Okay now…Stephens…oh great God, how I hate her guts—

JACOB MARLEY: (entering and cutting him off as he muses about Stephens’ pay raise) Dr. Scrooge!

SCROOGE: (sees Marley and immediately stands up) Oh my God, Dr. Marley! Jacob, what are you doing here? I thought you became an Air Force Drill Sargeant?

JACOB MARLEY (talks and acts “other worldly”): I did, Dr. Scrooge…I’ve come back to warn you Dr. Scrooge.

SCROOGE: Warn me? What in blazes are you yapping about Marley? Is this because I stole all your data when you left science?

JACOB MARLEY: Dr. Scrooge, I am warning you, you must change your ways, or you will be destroyed!

SCROOGE: Destroyed? It ain’t me that’s gonna be destroyed, Marley, it’s the department. That’s what Chairmen do. Do your best to destroy the department and then move on. You taught me that.

JACOB MARLEY: Dr. Scrooge…I am here to warn you that you will be visited this evening by three spirits. The spirits of Biology Past, Present, and Future. These spirits will show you the errors of your ways, Scrooge.

SCROOGE: They can’t come tonight, I’ve got to do pay raises. Let me check my schedule and I’ll let you know when I can fit them in.

JACOB MARLEY: (As he is leaving) Change your ways, Scrooge…before it is too late…..

SCROOGE: (has been looking down, checking his schedule) How about a week from Tuesday? (he looks around, but Marley is gone) Oh well, they’ll just have to make their appointments themselves. Now back to the fun. (He sits down to work again) Now, where was I, oh yes…Stephens…hmm….I wonder if I can get away with taking away her entire salary?

- – - – -

Scene 3. Scrooge’s Home, several hours later.

(Scrooge is asleep with his head on the desk).

Spirit of Christmas Past, a Developmental Biologist (Abbreviated “PAST”): Excuse me! Hello? (Scrooge remains asleep. PAST goes over and pounds on the desk near Scrooge’s head).

SCROOGE: (startled) What? What? Hey, who are you? What the hell are you doing in my house?

PAST: I am the Spirit of Christmas Past.

SCROOGE: Do I know you?

PAST: I have taken the form of a Developmental Biologist, so as not to frighten you. I have come to show you your Past, Dr. Scrooge. (Explaining) You know, to show you your “Development”. Get it?

SCROOGE: Get out of my house before I call the police.

PAST: You have no power over me Scrooge. (He waves his arm dramatically over Scrooge).

SCROOGE: (His arms hang limp at his sides) Hey, I can’t move my arms. What have you done to me? Hey, I can’t move at all. (PAST moves his hand over Scrooge’s mouth, Scrooge can no longer talk. He still tries to make some sounds but soon stops).

PAST: Come with me Dr. Scrooge, we have work to do. (He moves to an area to the side, Scrooge obligingly follows.)

(A child is sitting on the ground playing with a pipetteman, pipette tips, and a rack of microfuge tubes. The Spirit and Scrooge come up behind the child.)

PAST: Here you are as a young child, Scrooge. You were happy then, and interested in science and the world around you. Ah, here comes your mother.

(Scrooge’s Mom enters)

MOM: (to young Scrooge) Hi honey, how’s it going?

YOUNG SCROOGE: Hi Mom! Guess what?

MOM: What, honey?

YOUNG SCROOGE: I’ve just discovered a new protein!

MOM: Another one? That’s wonderful dear. That’s the fifth one this month. Those nice people at the Journal of Biological Chemistry will be so happy! I think you’ve been in every issue this year.

YOUNG SCROOGE: (stands) Not every issue, Mom. Remember I missed submitting once to spend time with you and Dad on Christmas vacation. (hugs Mom) It was worth it though, Mom. I love you guys.

PAST: If only you could have somehow kept hold on that youthful innocence and exuberance. Come, Scrooge, let’s move a little into the future. (He and Scrooge walk around in a small circle as the child is replaced by an older, teenaged Scrooge). Here you are a few years later.

MOM: Hi honey, how’s it going?

TEEN SCROOGE: (Pipetting furiously) Go away Mom!

MOM: Ah, honey, I just wanted to know if you wanted to eat dinner with me and Dad.

TEEN SCROOGE: You don’t get into Science or Nature by eating dinner with your Mom and Dad every night, now do you?

MOM: But I don’t ask every night, honey, just once in a while would be nice.

TEEN SCROOGE: Either go away or pick up a pipetteman, Mom.

PAST: You soon became blinded to all else, Scrooge, focused only on your beloved Science, alienating everyone and everything else in your life. Am I making myself clear?

(Scrooge nods his head yes, but in a frustrated “could you be more obvious” sort of way).

PAST: Let us return, Scrooge, our work here is done.

(The spirit and Scrooge return to Scrooge’s room. Scrooge sits down at his desk again. The Spirit waves his hand over Scrooge and Scrooge passes out on the desk. The Spirit leaves. After a moment Scrooge awakens.)

SCROOGE: That was the strangest dream I ever had. (He massages his jaw). That’s odd, it feels like my jaw was wired shut or something.

PRESENT: (Entering the room) Yeah, well there’s some people that would pay good money to see that.

SCROOGE: Who are you? What are you doing here? What are you doing in my house?

PRESENT: Kind of a slow learner, aren’t you? I am the Spirit of Christmas Present, I’ve come in the form of a Biochemist, so as not to frighten you. Starting to see a pattern here?

SCROOGE: So I’m not dreaming?

PRESENT: Well, that’s sort of a matter of artistic interpretation, and it’s sort of beside the point, so it doesn’t technically matter if you’re actually dreaming, or if you’re experiencing this in some sort of hypnotic trancelike state, or whatever. You know what I mean?

SCROOGE: It’s uncanny. You talk just like some biochemists I know.

PRESENT: Yeah, well, the spirit world is full of unexplained mysteries. So, ready to go?

SCROOGE: Where are you taking me?

PRESENT: Oops, I haven’t the faintest idea. (He starts searching through his pockets). They gave me the schedule and I didn’t even look at it. (He finds the schedule folded up in his pocket). Ah, here it is. Let’s see, second spirit, that’s me…looks like we’re going to Bob Cratchett’s house. That’s your student, right? (Scrooge nods in agreement). Oops, says here I’m supposed to magically lock your jaw shut.

SCROOGE: Please don— (PRESENT waves his hand and locks Scrooge’s jaw shut. Scrooge makes some closed mouth sounds, then becomes quiet again.)

(PRESENT motions for Scrooge to follow him and they walk around in a circle, arriving at Bob Cratchett’s house. Bob and his wife are at the table making Christmas decorations and/or dinner. Nearby, Tiny Tina is on the floor trying to pipette, similar to what young Scrooge was doing in the previous scene. Tiny Tina is concentrating very hard throughout the scene, but obviously is having trouble pipetting correctly.)

BOB CRATCHETT: He said I only had to work a half day tomorrow.

CRATCHETT’S WIFE: The old sot! No one else in the department has to work Christmas day, why should you?

BOB CRATCHETT: It’s a good lab, honey. I’m being trained by a world-class scientist.

CRATCHETT’S WIFE: A world-class sociopath you mean. Scrooge doesn’t care one iota about you or anyone else in his lab, or the department. He doesn’t even pay you enough to have a decent life. Look at poor Tiny Tina there, trying to learn to pipette. If Scrooge didn’t keep you in lab all hours of the day and night, I’m sure you could teach her to do it right. We barely get to see you, dear, and when we do you’re so exhausted, and it’s all because of that beast Scrooge.

(At that moment Tiny Tina gets particularly frustrated and throws a tube down on the floor.)

TINY TINA: Oh, I hate it? I hate it! Why can’t I get this right?

(Bob gets up and goes over to her).

BOB CRATCHETT: Oh, honey.

TINY TINA: Hi Daddy.

BOB CRATCHETT: Don’t be so disappointed, honey, these things take a while to learn.

TINY TINA: Can’t you teach me to pipette daddy?

BOB CRATCHETT: (He sighs) I’ll try to find some time real soon, honey, I will. I’m just so busy at work and all. But I’ll find some time, somehow, and we’ll get you pipetting like a pro. I promise.

PRESENT: (To Scrooge) You know Tiny Tina won’t get into a good college unless she can pipette accurately and reproducibly. (Scrooge looks kind of guilty, but not too much.) Come, let us go to our next appointment…(he looks for the schedule again) which is…okay, looks like we’re going to a Christmas Party at a faculty member’s house.

(They walk around in a circle again. Bob Cratchett’s family is replaced by two faculty members holding drinks and talking.)

PRESENT: (Looking around the room) Hmm…nice party. Everyone in the department is here but you. Let’s listen in on this conversation (they go over to the two faculty members).

FACULTY MEMBER #1: No…he never comes to any of the parties. Too beneath him.

FACULTY MEMBER #2: Yeah, he wouldn’t want to rub elbows with the hired help, now would he?

FACULTY MEMBER #1: I’m sure that’s how he thinks of us, too…as hired help.

FACULTY MEMBER #2: Let’s just hope he doesn’t destroy the department before his contract runs out.

FACULTY MEMBER #1: I’ll drink to that. (They toast).

FACULTY MEMBER #2: Perhaps he’ll knock over an electrophoresis tank and electrocute himself.

FACULTY MEMBER #1: I’ll drink to that. (They toast, then continue to talk silently as the Spirit and Scrooge talk).

(Scrooge gets the Spirits attention and in mime asks if the faculty members are talking about him.)

PRESENT: You want to know if they are talking about you? You’re a quick study, figure it out yourself. It’s time for us to leave now.

(The spirit and Scrooge return to Scrooge’s room and desk. Scrooge remains awake and somewhat somber as the Spirit releases his jaw lock. Scrooge rubs his jaw.)

SCROOGE: (Quietly) Is that all then? Are we done?

PRESENT: There is one other who will visit you. Goodnight, Dr. Scrooge.

SCROOGE: (After PRESENT leaves:) I suppose this last Spirit will be from the scariest Biology division of them all: Evolution.

(Just after he says this, the Spirit quietly enters.)

SCROOGE: You are the Spirit who most frightens me. I suppose you are here to show me things that are to come?

(The spirit extends his hand and leads Scrooge around in a circle again. They arrive back at Bob Cratchett’s house. Bob and his wife are sitting at the table alone.)

SCROOGE: This is my student’s house. Why have you brought me back here Spirit?

(The spirit points to Bob and his wife, and Scrooge and the Spirit listen to their conversation.)

BOB CRATCHETT: I don’t know if we will get paid this semester, dear. He’s destroyed the entire department in his wake. No one can agree with anyone else. All the best people have left or are leaving. The departmental budget is completely overspent. It’s a shambles. Total devastation.

CRATCHETT’S WIFE: I’m sorry dear. I would say I told you so, but what good would it do?

BOB CRATCHETT: I should have listened to you from the start dear, and done my graduate work at Texas A &M. We’d have food on the table now. We’d be happy now….

SCROOGE: Have I caused this Spirit? (The spirit does not make any motion) Why do you not answer me, spirit? (Scrooge looks around) And what about Tiny Tina? What has become of her?

(The spirit motions for Scrooge to follow him again. They move around in a circle once more and come to Tiny Tina standing behind a counter. She is handing a McDonald’s bag to someone on the other side of the counter.)

TINY TINA: Did you want fries with that?

SCROOGE: No, spirit, tell me it is not so! It is not I who have caused this, is it? Tell me spirit, are the things we are seeing things that will be, or things that only might be? Please tell me Spirit!

(The Spirit leads Scrooge away and they go back to Scrooge’s office. On Scrooge’s desk there is a large, obvious tombstone shaped sign facing away from the audience)

SCROOGE: This is my office Spirit. Why are we here?

(The spirit points at the sign on Scrooge’s desk)

SCROOGE: (Going over to it) What is this? A portent of what will be? Or what could be? I am afraid to look at it Spirit. Please don’t make me look.

(The spirit points again at the sign on Scrooge’s desk)

SCROOGE: (Turns the sign around. It says in large letter: “Vice Provost Scrooge”) Vice Provost? No (Scrooge falls to his knees in front of the Spirit) No, I’ll never be able to do science again. Please say it isn’t so, Spirit! Please say the future does not have to be this way! (Scrooge bends over crying, the spirit waves his hand over Scrooge, and Scrooge slowly falls asleep. The spirit takes the sign and quietly leaves.)

(After a moment, Scrooge wakes up. He looks around for the spirit and the sign).

SCROOGE: The sign is gone! It looks like morning! I wonder what day it is? (He goes to the window/front of the stage and looks out) You there, boy! What day is this?

BOY: Why Christmas day, sir!

SCROOGE: Christmas day! Christmas day! I haven’t missed it! The spirit scientists did their work all in one evening! Unusually efficient for our department, but thank goodness! (Looking out the window again) Boy!

BOY: Yes sir?

SCROOGE: (Throwing down some money). Here’s some money, boy. Go buy some pipette tips and take them over to married student housing, apartment 22G.

BOY: What size tips sir?

SCROOGE: All sizes, P200’s, P1000’s, P10’s, everything money can buy! And keep the change for yourself boy! (He rushes back to his desk). It’s Christmas day! It’s not too late! (He looks around on his desk a moment) Ah, pay raises! (He picks up some papers and tears them up). Everyone gets an across the board 10% raise! Except the graduate students….I’m going to raise their salaries by 100% (He thinks a moment) But where will I get the money? Oh yes! Those photographs I have of the Dean with that undergrad! I knew one day they would come in handy!

(He organizes a few things, and puts on his coat) I’ll go over and surprise Bob Cratchett and his family with the good news. Food! I need to take some food with me. (He gets a dish of food and rushes over to Bob Cratchett’s house).

BOB CRATCHETT: Thank you for the (whatever Scrooge brought over) Dr. Scrooge, it’s wonderful. (To his wife:) and isn’t wonderful about the stipend increases dear?

CRATCHETT’S WIFE: (She is genuinely happy) Why it’s wonderful, Bob. It’s wonderful Dr. Scrooge.

SCROOGE: Yes, it’s wonderful. It’s a wonderful Christmas. Why it’s the best Christmas ever! And right after dinner, with your permission of course, I’d like to give Tiny Tina some personal pipetting lessons.

TINY TINA: (getting very excited) Oh, mom! Yes! Say yes! Dr. Scrooge is the best pipetter in the whole world! I’ll get into any college I choose, if he teaches me how to pipette!

CRATCHETT’S WIFE: Of course dear! (To Scrooge) We’d be honored, Dr. Scrooge. I must admit, I really underestimated you, Dr. Scrooge, but you’ve made us very happy. Merry Christmas Dr. Scrooge.

SCROOGE: Oh, group hug! Group hug! (He gathers them all up into a group hug) Merry Christmas to one and all!

ALL: Here, here! Merry Chistmas!

The End

- FROM THE ARCHIVES -

Being a scientific investigation of a cultural conundrum

Soon it will be Christmas Eve, and once more children will be divided into distinct factions. Here, Cyr [1] described younger children (<7 years) who believe in Santa Claus, and older children (>12 years) who have ditched this ‘childish’ belief. But he fails, by excluding from his questionnaire, to describe a third group who aren’t really sure – the undecided voters if you like. And as the eldest child, I have spent a large part of my life in this group. Moreover, being scientifically minded even at the age 7, I of course approached this problem according to well-established techniques of investigation.

My first stop was to consult the authorities. My parents (beneficiaries of a liberal arts education and a liberal dosing of 1960’s psychotropic compounds) reassured their young child by explaining that Santa, like all beliefs, was a social construction and as such was true to all who believed in him. When I asked how I would prove that, Mum told me that all truth was relative and that the concept of proof was no more than a projection of hegemony by the dominant culture. Which I thought was a load of old bollocks.

Disappointed but not discouraged I proceeded to a literature search (It wasn’t until much later in my career that I realised this was only ever done after at least 9 months of laborious investigation, although I was naive then, so give me a break). My little red bookshelf contained several volumes referring to Santa Claus. Most were personal accounts [2], and as such counted as no more than Level V evidence (expert opinion). Other styled themselves as authorities [3,4], but lacked references to definitive investigations.

Modern children of course have Pubmed, and conducting a search today for “Santa Claus Existence” gave 5 results, of which one was relevant. In 2002 Cyr surveyed whether paediatric inpatients still believed in Santa Claus. While a good and noteworthy study, this would still have not fit my purposes. I didn’t care if other children believed in Santa, and besides this was still only Level IV evidence (case-series). The author also declared his bias as a continuing believer, throwing all his conclusions under a cloud.

I realised I would have to abandon epidemiological techniques in favour of direct experimentation. I proceeded with the null hypothesis “Santa Claus does not exist”. I designed a trap to snare him in my bedroom, but after two failed years I realised the fault in my experimental design. The only way to reject the null hypothesis was to catch him, but not catching him left me unable to either accept or reject the null hypothesis. Unfortunately we hadn’t studied Karl Popper in reading room at that stage.

I decided to approach things in a more indirect manner. His ability to tell if children have been naughty or nice has been well-described [5]. More specifically, I decided to adjust my behaviour, the independent variable A, and observe the number of presents, the dependent variable B. If he did exist, then B would vary with A, but if my parents were bringing the loot then A should not cause B to vary, as I was an overindulged and spoilt child. Furthermore, being nice and still getting presents regardless would prove little, and besides naughty was much more fun.

So I was as naughty as possible on Christmas Eve. I threw tantrums, messed my room, pulled my sister’s hair and hid my brother’s toys. I interrupted my father and refused to eat my dinner. The next morning I awoke with eager anticipation of my results. I got pretty much the same presents as usual. I then realised with horror that I had no reference standard! What if I was going to get more and had been reduced? How would I know? My brother and sister served as case-controls, but this was wholly unsatisfactory. Was a Barbie doll worth one or two toy cars? Had they been naughty or nice, thus confounding the results?

In any event, I am sorry to report that despite having now reached adulthood, I have still been unable to establish a satisfactory experimental design for this problem. The levels of evidence in this field continue to be amongst the poorest in the literature, and anecdotal evidence abounds. However, there will be a bear-trap at the bottom of my chimney again this year. While Popper may maintain that it is impossible to prove that something does not exist, the truth is that I’ve only got to catch the bastard once to get my answer.

References

1. Cyr C. Do reindeer and children know something that we don’t? Paediatric inpatients’ beliefs in Santa Claus. CMAJ 2002 Dec 10; 167(12): 1325-1327

2. Moore CC. ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas. The Sentinel 1823. Heirloom edition available from Running Press Book Publishers.

3. Apple M, Baum LF, Riley, MO. The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus. Signet Classics

4. Perkes A. The Santa Claus Book. Lyle Stuart Publishing.

5. Coots JF, Kellogg S. Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town. HarperCollins

A 15 minute play, in 7 scenes.

Characters

Dr. Georgina Bailey
Clarence (an angel)
Jethro (a graduate student)
ZuZu (another graduate student)
Faculty member #1
Faculty member #2
Chairman of the Department
Willie the bartender
Car driver
Angel #1/Child #1
Angel #2/Child #2

The set consists of four main areas:

The lab: a small table, upstage, center
The faculty meeting room: A set of chairs downstage right.
The bar: stage left
The street in front of the bar: center stage.

SCENE 1: WHEREIN GEORGINA BEMOANS THE SITUATION IN HER LAB.

GEORGINA: (enters her lab, there is no one there) Hello? Hello? Is there anybody here? Well, isn’t this a wonderful lab? Where is everybody? (shouting) Hello? Hello? (she walks around) Look at this, a bunsen burner just left on, spewing gas without a flame! (She turns off the bunsen burner) And the pH probe just hanging in the air, drying out! (She puts away the pH probe). Hello? If you’re not going to be here could you all at least turn off the bunsen burner and put away the pH probe?

(Jethro and ZuZu enter. They are Georgina’s graduate students. Jethro is a good ole boy, wears his hat backwards, talks about football most of the time, etc. ZuZu is a child of the cosmos)

JETHRO AND ZUZU: Oh, hi Dr. Bailey!

GEORGINA: Hello Jethro. Hello ZuZu. I’m glad you could make it into lab today.

JETHRO: Oh we were here earlier, we just came back from lunch.

GEORGINA: I know you were here earlier. I found the bunsen burner on and the pH probe drying out.

JETHRO: Oh, sorry about that.

ZUZU: We had the most incredible lunch! Tofurkey: a giant ball of tofu shaped like a turkey and then deep fried golden brown. Oh, it was cosmic-o-licious. Yummy, yum, yum.

JETHRO: (Rolling his eyes) I went to the place next door and had a double cheeseburger.

GEORGINA Did either of you, by any chance, just happen to do the experiments we discussed yesterday?

JETHRO: Oh, yeah, I was going to do it, but the LSU/Duke basketball game was on at an earlier than usual time last night (pause) , oh, and then I got kinda drunk after that.

ZUZU: I did my experiment, or, well, I did most of it!

GEORGINA: Most of it?

ZUZU: You see, I just don’t think it’s right to feed these drugs and chemicals to the mice like this. I mean, who put us in charge? Who made us God over the mice?

JETHRO: (exaggeratedly mocking her): Oooh, who made us God over the mice? (He stomps his foot loudly on the floor) My big black boots make me God of all the mice! Just let ‘em try their ratsy little tricks on me! (He stomps the floor again and laughs).

GEORGINA: Jethro?

JETHRO: Yes, Dr. Bailey?

(She just stares at him, with her hands on her hips)

JETHRO: (He looks around a bit as he slowly figures out what he should be doing) I, um, I think I should go start my experiment now, shouldn’t I?

GEORGINA: That’s a smart boy! It’s almost impossible to tell that you’re only in your 7th year of graduate school.

(Jethro leaves)

GEORGINA: Now, ZuZu, just how far did you get with your experiment?

ZUZU: Well, Dr. Bailey, you know how were supposed to make the mice take all these new drugs we’ve made to cure their diabetes?

GEORGINA: (Wary of where this is leading) Uh, huh….

ZUZU: Well, I’ve decided that it’s immoral to force them to take these drugs, so I just offer them the drugs in a separate food dish and let them choose whether to take the drugs or not. (She holds out a small food dish with some food pellets in them). See, I made the drugs look just like regular food pellets.

GEORGINA: Give me those. (She grabs the pellets from ZuZu and stuffs them in her pocket. She starts to speak a couple of times, each time stopping herself, shaking her head and re-thinking what she is going to say) Well, ZuZu, let’s, just for a moment put aside the 20 or 30 major objections and problems I see with this approach, and let me just ask you this: Did the mice eat the drugs?

ZUZU: I think some of them did.

GEORGINA: You think some of them did? And what makes you think that?

ZUZU: Because a bunch of them died.

GEORGINA: I see.

ZUZU: I mean it really upsets me that every drug we’ve tried kills all the mice. It hurts my inner mouse.

GEORGINA: It upsets me too ZuZu, but I still try to do the experiments correctly. (She looks at her watch) Oh, I’ve got to go to a faculty meeting right now, you can go back to work.

ZUZU: (Cheerfully, as she leaves) Okay, have a cosmo-labulous faculty meeting!

SCENE 2: WHEREIN GEORGINA GOES TO THE FACULTY MEETING.

(Georgina trudges (head down, shoulders slumped) over to the faculty meeting. The faculty are sitting in chairs facing forward. The chairman is facing the faculty.)

FACULTY MEMBER #1: Hi Georgina, you’re just in time for the voting.

CHAIR: All in favor of lowering student stipends?

(Everyone but Georgina raises their hands)

CHAIR: All opposed?

(Georgina raises her hand)

CHAIR: Okay, that’s 44 in favor, one opposed. Lowering of graduate student stipends is approved. Next item: All in favor of increased teaching loads?

(Everyone but Georgina raises her hand)

CHAIR: All opposed?

(Georgina raises her hand)

CHAIR: Okay, that’s 44 in favor, one opposed. Increasing of teaching loads is approved. I have to pee, I’ll be back in a moment. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves. (He leaves)

GEORGINA: (To the faculty near her) Are you guys nuts? Why are you voting for these ridiculous things? Why are they even on the agenda?

FACULTY MEMBER #2: Georgina, you’re always so contrary.

FACULTY MEMBER #1: Yes, Georgina, you always have to have a different opinion, don’t you?

GEORGINA: I’m the only one here that’s sane! Thank God some of our faculty decisions have to be unanimous, or you guys would be in big trouble.

FACULTY MEMBER #2: Oh I don’t know about that. I thought the suggestion of renting out the biology building to a Hari Krishna commune was a good idea.

FACULTY MEMBER #1: Yes, I was surprised you voted against it Georgina! But, as you say, that vote had to be unanimous to pass.

FACULTY MEMBER #2: Oh, and remember the time your vote prevented us from putting electric shock collars on the graduate students?

FACULTY MEMBER #1: I think that was a mistake, you should have voted for that one Georgina.

FACULTY MEMBER #2: Or remember the time your vote prevented us from being able to treat radioactive substances just like other chemicals?

FACULTY MEMBER #1: Yeah, that was just mean-hearted. It’s a real pain in the butt to have to keep track of all our radioactive materials. I personally wanted to use it as a punitive training tool. If students didn’t do what I told them to do, I was going to make them eat radioactive chemicals. But, nooooo, you prevented me from doing that didn’t you? Do I interfere with your training techniques?

(The Chair re-enters)

CHAIR: Okay, I’m back, and I’m feeling really refreshed and ready to go. (He looks at the agenda) And I see by the agenda that we’ve covered everything, so, meeting adjourned.

(Everyone gets up and leaves except Georgina, she sits for a moment, puts her hand to her forehead, sighs, etc.)

GEORGINA: I don’t know….Some days I wish I’d never been born. I’ve been here in this same wacko place for what seems like all my life, dealing with these same ridiculous problems, over and over again. I’ve wasted my life in this place, basically, accomplishing nothing. I need a drink.

SCENE 3. WHEREIN GEORGINA GETS A DRINK AT HER FAVORITE BAR: “SLICK WILLIE’S”

WILLIE (the bartender): Hey, Georgina! How’s it hanging kiddo?

GEORGINA: Hey Willie, (sadly) Merry Christmas.

WILLIE: Well that’s not a very happy Merry Christmas, what’s wrong?

GEORGINA: Nothing Willie, nothing’s wrong, nothing’s changed, everything’s the same, year in, year out, the same old thing, over and over again…

WILLIE: So, what’ll you have, the usual?

GEORGINA: Sure, Willie, sure, the usual, rum and milk.

WILLIE: Rum and milk coming right up! You know, I don’t even remember when you started drinking this, but everybody asks for it now.

GEORGINA: Really? I started drinking it because I have an ulcer.

WILLIE: Well it’s my most popular drink now.

GEORGINA: I guess lots of people have ulcers, eh Willie?

WILLIE: I don’t know about that Georgina, I think they might just like the way it tastes. Well, here’s your rum and milk.

GEORGINA: Thanks Willie.

WILLIE: How’s the research going?

GEORGINA: Eh, the same.

WILLIE: You’re working on them drugs to stop diabetes aren’t you?

GEORGINA: That’s right Willie, we are. Except the one’s were working on now seem like they’d make better rat poisons.

WILLIE: Gee, that’s too bad. I was just reading about some of them drugs. (He looks around for his newspaper) Now, where was that story? (He looks through the paper and finds the story) Do you know somebody named Dr. Peglegman?

GEORGINA: (She suddenly becomes very interested) He’s one of my main competitors, Willie, why?

WILLIE: Says here he invented one of them drugs to treat that diabetes.

GEORGINA: (She grabs the paper) Oh no! (she reads) Oh no! This is just slight variant of the chemical we published two months ago in the Journal of Diabetic Research. He just changed one methyl group and got it to work! Oh no, Willie, oh no! (she is very upset, she drops the paper, she puts her head in her hands and moans) Oh, Willie, oh no…no…

WILLIE: (Genuinely concerned) I’m sorry Georgina. (He pours some more milk into her glass) Here, I’ll make it a double, on the house.

SCENE 4: WHEREIN THERE IS A DISCUSSION IN HEAVEN.

(Georgina and Willie remain frozen at the bar during this entire scene).

ANGEL #1: Well, Clarence, I think she’s the one.

ANGEL #2: Yes, I agree, she’s the one.

CLARENCE: She looks like a tough assignment.

ANGEL #1: They all are, Clarence, if they weren’t difficult cases, they wouldn’t need our help would they?

ANGEL #2: Yes, I agree.

CLARENCE: But, she’s not in any real danger. She’s just…well…not happy. I thought I had to save someone’s life to get my wings.

ANGEL #1: You do Clarence. In about one minute, she’s going to walk out the door of that drinking establishment, and she’s going to throw herself in front of a car.

CLARENCE: Oh no!

ANGEL #2: Oh yes!

ANGEL #1: And that’s where you can start your work.

CLARENCE: Start my work? What do you mean “start my work”? I just save her, right?

ANGEL #1: (to Angel 2) Oh my, he does have a lot to learn, doesn’t he?

ANGEL #2: (to Angel 1) Yes, I agree.

ANGEL #1: Clarence, it’s time for you to go now….

ANGEL #2: Yes, I agree…

(Angels 1 and 2 rise and leave, Clarence gets up and faces where Georgina is sitting).

SCENE 5. WHEREIN CLARENCE MEETS GEORGINA.

WILLIE: (pushing the drink toward Georgina) Really, here you go Georgina, on the house…

GEORGINA: (Looks at the drink, looks at Willie, shakes her head) No Willie, no, keep it. It’s a waste of good rum and milk to give it to me. I’ve got to go do something. I’ve got to go do something I should have done a long time ago, Willie. A long time ago…(she gets up and heads for the door, she is starting to sob, she turns to Willie just before she leaves) Say goodbye, Willie, okay? Say goodbye for me…

WILLIE: What do you mean Georgina?

GEORGINA: Goodbye Willie. (She leaves)

(Georgina goes out to the street, she looks both ways)

GEORGINA: Not a lot of traffic tonight. Christmas eve I guess…here comes a suitable SUV now. I guess it’s your lucky day buddy….

(A car (a person carrying a cardboard cutout of the front of a car) is coming down the road. Georgina starts leaning out into the road. Clarence sees what is going to happen and fidgets a bit, says “Oh, no” and then moves. He rushes across the street in front of the car just as Georgina is starting to throw herself in front of it. He crashes into Georgina and they both tumble out of the way of the car. It drives past.)

DRIVER OF CAR: Hey watch out you jerks, you almost scratched my new Ford Expedition!

GEORGINA: What the…Hey you clumsy goon.

CLARENCE: I’m sorry (he starts to brush off Georgina)

GEORGINA: Can’t you see where you’re going, you…you…where did you come from, anyway…

CLARENCE: I can see perfectly well where I’m going, thank you. And my name is Clarence.

GEORGINA: Clarence, huh? Clarence what? Clarence the-blind-man-who-knocks-people-down?

CLARENCE: Just Clarence will do, thank you.

GEORGINA: Well, just-Clarence, if you can see so well, why’d you knock into me?

CLARENCE: I knocked you over to keep you from jumping in front of that car.

GEORGINA: (Surprised) How did you know– (pause, suspiciously) What makes you think I was going to jump in front of that car?

CLARENCE: I know you were, and you know you were, let’s just leave at that for now.

GEORGINA: Oh yeah, so you’re not Just Clarence at all, eh, you think you’re Clarence the Clairvoyant, eh?

CLARENCE: I came down from Heaven to save your life, Georgina.

GEORGINA: WHAT? Oh no, like my day hasn’t been bad enough already, now I get saved by a nut case. Do you want me to help you find your way back to the mental hospital Clarence?

CLARENCE: I did save your life just now, Georgina, and you know it. Now how would I know that if I wasn’t an angel from Heaven? And you’re very much alive now.

GEORGINA: Oh yeah, well not for long Just Clarence. I made a decision a little while ago that I should have made a long time ago, and no hallucination of an angel, or whatever you think you are, is going to stop me. I’ve been a worthless invisible zombie in this town for far too long. I never should have been born. My life is a waste of everybody’s time. It’s about time I did something about it.

CLARENCE: (Speaking up to the sky) Oh dear, now I see what you mean about my work just beginning.

GEORGINA: Who you talking to there Just-Clarence? God?

CLARENCE: No, just some angel friends of mine.

GEORGINA: Oh wonderful. Well, why don’t you run along and play with your angel friends. I have something I need to do. And here comes another SUV, so you run along now Just Clarence.

CLARENCE: (Comes up with a plan) Georgina, what would it take, short of me knocking you down several times a day for the rest of your life, to prevent you from killing yourself?

GEORGINA: I’ve made up my mind, Clarence, I thought you would know that, being and angel and clairvoyant and all. I’ve made up my mind. I wish I had never been born, and so I’m going to do the next best thing.

CLARENCE: (Waves his arms around a bit) Ta da! Consider your wish granted!

GEORGINA: (glares at him) You mean you’re going to stay out of my way when this SUV gets up here?

CLARENCE: No, I mean you’ve never been born.

GEORGINA: You really are an escaped mental patient aren’t you Clarence? Now look out, here comes my ticket out of this place. Hey, its my lucky day, it’s the same jerk in the Ford Expedition.

(The car approaches, Georgina steps out in front of it. It drives right past her, obviously hitting her(she spins around as it passes), but the driver does not react and Georgina does not suffer any consequence of the car hitting her. The car drives past and leaves her and Clarence staring after it).

GEORGINA: Well, that was strange. That car drove right through me. Without so much as messing up my hair.

CLARENCE: You’ve never been born, Georgina. You don’t exist. That car didn’t hit you because you’re not there to be hit.

GEORGINA: (putting her arm around Clarence) Listen Just-Clarence. I don’t know what happened just now. I’ve got to think about this. I’m gonna go back inside Willie’s bar here and have a drink, let me buy ya a drink Just-Clarence.

SCENE 6. WHEREIN CLARENCE AND GEORGINA HAVE A DRINK IN WILLIE’S BAR.

(They enter and go up to the bar)

GEORGINA: Hey Willie, I’m back!

WILLIE: And who exactly are you?

GEORGINA: It’s me, Georgina.

WILLIE: Is that supposed to mean something to me? You gonna order a drink or not? This is a place of business.

GEORGINA: Willie, don’t you know me?

WILLIE: Listen buddy, I’m not your friend, and I don’t want to be your friend. I serve drinks. If I don’t serve enough drinks I can’t pay the rent here. I serve drinks to anyone that walks through that door. I don’t care how old they are, I don’t care how many drinks they’ve already had, I don’t care if they’re carrying a gun and driving a bus. Why, I’d serve alcohol to a baby. I’d serve alcohol to an underage dog.

GEORGINA: That’s not the Willie I know, what’s gotten into to you Willie?

WILLIE: (waving him off) Ach! Forget you. Here come some paying customers.

(Two small children enter the bar)

WILLIE: Hi boys, what’ll be today!

CHILD #1: A shot of whiskey please.

CHILD #2: Make mine a double whiskey.

WILLIE: Coming right up, lads.

GEORGINA: Hey, hey wait a minute here, these are children, why that little one there can’t be more than 5 years old!

WILLIE: Hey buddy, I don’t know who you are, but I think you should leave now, before I bust you one upside the head.

(Clarence gently guides Georgina out of the bar)

GEORGINA: I don’t understand. It’s Willie, what’s he doing? Why doesn’t he know me?

CLARENCE: You’ve never been born Georgina. Willie’s bar was always operating on the edge of bankruptcy. He never had a gimmick. Till you invented the “rum and milk”, that is. Soon everybody wanted one. But now, since you were never born, Willie never got his new drink, he started going bankrupt, he panicked, he started selling alcohol to minors and stray animals, very soon he’s going to be shut down. And all because you were never born…

GEORGINA: Will you cut it out with this “never been born” stuff, you’re starting to creep me out Clarence. Let’s just go.

(They walk a few feet and find a newspaper. Clarence picks it up and hands it to Georgina.)

GEORGINA: What’s this? (she looks at it briefly) Oh, this is just today’s paper. Willie showed me it earlier. There’s an article in here that…hey…that article’s gone…

CLARENCE: Take a look at the article that replaced it.

GEORGINA: “Diabetes poised to become the nation’s top killer disease” – How is that possible? Pegleglman developed a treatment – (to Clarence, accusingly) now that had nothing to do with me.

CLARENCE: Didn’t it Georgina? I know the angel that watches over Peglegman. Peglegman couldn’t design a drug if you held a gun to his head. He used your drug designs as inspiration. But you were never born, so Peglegman never designed a drug that can treat diabetes, and lots of people are going to die because of that.

GEORGINA: This is making my head hurt, Clarence, it really does seem like I’ve never been born. I gotta think this though, in the meantime, lets go up to my laboratory and we’ll phone up the police and find out what mental hospital you escaped from, and I’ll take you back there.

SCENE 7. GEORGINA AND CLARENCE GO BACK TO THE DEPARTMENT.

(Georgina and Clarence enter the building and Georgina notices several faculty members slumped in chairs in the room where the faculty meeting was held. The chairman is laying on the floor where he had been standing in the earlier scene. The faculty are motionless.)

GEORGINA: What in the world? Why are there people in the meeting room? It’s Christmas Eve, what are they doing here? (She goes into the room and looks at them, she pushes one over, he falls on the floor. She screams and runs from one to another. ) They’re dead. They’re all dead. Aeiiii! What’s happened here? (She turns to Clarence, points and yells at him) Don’t you even think about saying anything about my never having been born! Oh, no! What about my lab!?

(She runs out, Clarence follows her to the lab. When she gets there Jethro and ZuZu are dead. One is lying on the lab bench the other on the floor.)

GEORGINA: Oh no! They’re dead too! How could this happen? What’s going on? Oh no,no,no,no….(she starts to sob)

CLARENCE: (comes over to comfort her) Georgina? Do you remember when you found the bunsen burner was left on this morning?

GEORGINA: (Still sobbing) Huh?

CLARENCE: Well you weren’t here to turn it off this time. Because you were never born, Georgina. And so gas filled the entire building and killed everyone in it.

GEORGINA: Oh Clarence, this is so horrible. I’m sorry Clarence, I didn’t know my life had such meaning. I didn’t know the little things I did could have so much impact Clarence. I’ve made a mistake Clarence. I want to live. Take me back, Clarence, take me back to my life. I want to live. (She puts her head down and sobs.)

CLARENCE: (He waves his arms over her) Ta da! (To himself: ) Looks like I’m going to get mee wings. (Georgina continues crying. Clarence leaves)

(Suddenly, Jethro and ZuZu wake up, as do the faculty in the faculty meeting room. The faculty stretch and leave the stage. Jethro and ZuZu stretch a bit, and see Georgina crying with her head in her hands.)

ZUZU: Dr. Bailey? Are you okay?

GEORGINA: (looking up, she then jumps up) ZuZu, Jethro, you’re alive! Oh thank God, you’re alive!

JETHRO: Of course we’re alive. Tofurkey isn’t poisonous, it just tastes like drywall.

GEORGINA: Oh, I’m so happy to see you both!

ZUZU: Well that’s cosmorifically wonderful Dr. Bailey. But, I do have a confession to make.

GEORGINA: A confession? What do you mean ZuZu?

ZUZU: Well, I lost those drug pellets I made, and I know we don’t have a lot of those drugs.

GEORGINA: Oh! Oh! (She digs in her pocket and pulls out the pellets) Here they are! (She shows them to Jethro) ZuZu’s pellets! I’ve got ZuZu’s pellets! Oh thank God in Heaven!

JETHRO: Maybe you should cut down a little on the caffeine Dr. Bailey. Just a suggestion.

GEORGINA: And it’s a wonderful suggestion Jethro. I’m so glad you’re coming up with clever suggestions on your own now.

ZUZU: You know Dr. Bailey, they say that everytime someone comes up with an original idea in science, an angel gets their wings.

GEORGINA: That’s right ZuZu! That’s right! (She speaks to the sky) Way to go, Clarence! Way to go!

THE END

With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore

’Twas the night ’fore the conference and all through the inn
All the PIs were up with their laptops and pens,
Making graphs and new slides for their talks the next day,
In hopes that they’d have something brilliant to say.

At the social, the party was raising good cheer;
All us grads were up drinking cheap wine and bad beer,
Fondly dreaming of prizes that were to be won,
With talks practiced and ready and PowerPoints done,

When down from the lobby arose such a clatter,
I put down my drink to see what was the matter.
I lurched to the stairs, grasped the banister tight,
And didn’t fall once till I reached the last flight.

The lobby was garish with fluorescent glare
That lit up the tacky decor everywhere.
Then what to my glazed-over eye should appear,
But a group of spent students and bushed volunteers

With a young man whose face was so haggard and sapped,
I knew in a moment it must be the chap
Who’d said he would take charge and plan this event,
Little knowing how much time would have to be spent.

“Damn abstracts, damn socials, and all reservations,
Damn posters, damn outings, and late presentations.”
The last thing I heard as he passed was, I think,
“Just dash it all, dash it, and get me a drink.”

As the parricide’s soul from the Furies doth fly,
When it’s chased ’cross the land by those horrors on high,
So the thought of his tenure review hounded him,
As he pushed carts of AV equipment in bins.

Then in a twinkling he went out of sight
And all I could hear was the sound of his flight.
The squeak of his cart wheels led me to a room
Full of podiums, chairs, and a deep sense of doom.

His eyes, they were cast down, his visage was weary,
His cheeks both were sunken, his countenance dreary,
His mouth, it was drawn up as tight as a bow,
His hair streaked with white just like dirt flecked with snow.

A butt of a cig was clenched tight in his teeth,
The smoke of which circled his head like a wreath.
His wan face was pierced with two dark shadowed eyes.
His voice filled the room with soft curses and sighs.

He was wasted and thin, a young pitiful Prof,
And I laughed when I saw him, not meaning to scoff.
But a glare from his eye as he raised up his head
And I knew I could shut-up or have much to dread.

He set up projectors, computers, and screens,
Adjusted the focus till all could be seen,
Tested the mics, and shut everything down,
Then, wheeling his cart, he went out with a frown.

He went down the hall with more tasks yet to do,
And I thought it high time to get back to my brew.
But he growled at me ’ere he passed out of sight:
“Happy conference to all, not that I’ll sleep this night.”

This poem is dedicated to all those who have hosted academic conferences. God bless you every one.

- FROM THE ARCHIVES -

Dear humans everywhere:

People. I’m melting. I’m actually melting.

Are you not paying attention to what’s going on here? Are you not following the news? Are you just out and out disregarding the collected and heated but (get this) generally agreed upon advise from a whole bunch of experts? Is it because you don’t trust them? Because please don’t tell me that you’d rather trust the advice of something like the current U.S. administration – an administration that (by the way) sounds sort of actually o.k. with the idea of the Earth and everything else being created in seven days! I mean, am I missing something here? Am I actually losing my mind?

No. I’ll tell you what I’m losing. I’m losing parts of me. Yeah, and we’re not talking money or livelihood or security or anything wussy like that – we’re talking about actual bits of me. And guess what? Those bits are not just useless bits. Sure, right now, they’re only my extremities, but you want to know something? I happen to like my extremities. My wife likes my extremities. That’s right people – you know what I’m talking about.

Really now, don’t you care about us glaciers anymore? Personally, I’m not that fond of tourists on cruises, but hey, I’m just doing my job. It’s not like we pretty ourselves up for nothing. We matter. I’m mean, one minute, you’re like “ooh, cool, look at my heart-shaped ice cube in my heart-shaped martini glass” and the next, you’re like installing 17,000 Christmas lights in your front porch.

And what’s up with all these SUVs? I mean, don’t get me wrong, they are cool and all, but seriously why so many? I understand that some individuals may actually need an SUV to do that all-terrain stuff – to, you know, ride over places like my sorry backside. But what about the average North American family with their 1.86 kids? Unless maybe it’s because these folks actually need the 12 cup holders that come standard with these vehicles. Man, that would be a lot of caffeine, although I guess looking after kids is pretty tiring stuff.

But you know what? Don’t even get me started on children, because I use to have two little ones. Yeah, they were precious little things, just a touch of permafrost. Really cute and loved them to death. But then one day, we woke up and BAM! They were gone – just disappeared completely. My wife freaked! Even cracked a bit. I mean, I’ve been around for, what, more than 100,000 years, and yet my poor kids barely made it past floating. Why is it always the children that end up getting screwed? Not really fair when you think about it, is it?

Anyway, I’ve said my piece, got it off my shelf, so to speak. Besides, a sparrow just landed on me – shit, now that can’t be good….