The Scientific Quarterly

HOW I GOT OUT OF WRITING AN ESSAY ON H.G. WELL’S THE TIME MACHINE.

By Justin Kahn

(Last week was reading week at UBC, but we were so freaking busy that we didn’t even get a chance to rest. Therefore, this week we get to catch up on our sleep by reprinting some of our finest. Enjoy.)

- FROM THE ARCHIVE -

January 17, 2005
I received the syllabus for my Humanities course. A humanities course should not be required for my B.Sc degree in Physics. To add insult to injury, we are supposed to do an analysis of Well’s The Time Machine. We are to focus on the historical context when the topic is time travel?
Who reads a book on a time machine for social insights? I would do anything to get out of this essay.
At dinner, my friends complained about this assignment. I tell them a way out: I will build a time machine.
They mocked me, but they will see.

January 18, 2005
9:20 A.M. Building a time machine is harder than I thought. There are all kinds of technical challenges I didn’t anticipate. Frustrated, I decide to make a mix tape with songs like Cher’s If I could Turn Back Time.
Noon. Finished my time machine. The book report is due in a couple of weeks, so I need to get down to business.

January 19, 2005
Watched Groundhog Day. What a great movie.

January 20, 2005
After lunch I get in my time machine and press the lever forward. I don’t know what to expect and am somewhat surprised by the sound emitted which is that of a very large blender. Stranger yet is the smell emitted by my contraption—which is that of cinnamon vanilla.

August 14, 1996
I have successfully transgressed the boundaries of time. I have moved backward in time.
I create an internet company called eToys. If I am rich, I don’t need to stay in school.

February 12, 1997
I’m rich. I have no need to go to school. Returning to the present with no worries about stupid papers on stupid books.

January 20, 2005
I return to the present. My company has flopped. I’m in debt. Must figure out a way to finish book report. Less than a month until it is due!

March 08, 1920
I go to Harvard, to see Professor Santayana, guru of arts and culture and stuff. I tell him my situation, the whole thing.
I ask him if he’ll help me.
He says to me, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

January 20, 2005
I believe Santayana was trying to give me a suggestion about the significance of Wells. I come up with a couple of ideas. After a good night’s rest I’ll return to Professor Santayana and see what he says.

March 08, 1920
I take my ideas to Santayana.
He says to me, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”
I can see where this is going. I make my way back to the future.

December 16, 2004
Today is the day I signed up for the humanities course.
I try to intercept my past self from taking the humanities course. The lines for registration are painfully long. Unwilling to wait, I decide to not bother.

July 13, 1880
I meet H.G. Wells and try to persuade him he shouldn’t be a writer. H.G. claims he isn’t that interested in writing.
He asks me where I am from and why I am dressed the way I am.
I tell him that I have come from the future.
H.G.: “The future? Say, that is an interesting idea. Someone who can move through time. Speaking of writing,that would make for an interesting book. Don’t you think?”

I return to the present, depressed.

January 21, 2005
I realize I’m doing this all wrong. I should go to the future. Get the book report, I have already written, and than take it back to the past! The present! You know before the due date.

October 26, 2056
Overshot by a bit much.
I am so sick of my mix tape. I was sick of it the first time. But after fifty years? You can understand, if I am a bit on edge.
I assumed that the future would be infinitely more complex. Really is much simpler and I suppose it makes just as much sense to imagine that human society would work to make everything simpler rather than more complex.
The fundamental unit of currency is the ‘Ice Cube.’ I load my pockets with these, as proof of my adventure when I return to 2005, but also because I find them very helpful in cooling off room temperature drinks.

February 28, 2005
I meet my future self, who has already had his book report returned to him. He got a C-, the slacker. That’s good enough for me, though. So, I take my future self’s essay and run.

February 18, 2005
I submit my paper on The Time Machine.

February 28, 2005
My paper is returned to me with a C-. I feel like this doesn’t reflect the amount of effort I have put in. I tell the teacher so.
On the way out of my professor’s office, a young man (handsome, introspective and yet obviously ambitious) steals my book report. It doesn’t really matter since I’ve already received my grade. But it was still a painful reminder of how tough you have to be in this world.

October 3, 802, 701
I call a meeting. I persuade the Eloi and Morlock to live peaceably together. I warn them not to go back to their old ways.
I look at them and say “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

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Justin Kahn puts stuff on his blog, conceptofirony.blogspot.com

HOW I GOT OUT OF WRITING AN ESSAY ON H.G. WELL’S THE TIME MACHINE.

By Justin Kahn

(Last week was reading week at UBC, but we were so freaking busy that we didn’t even get a chance to rest. Therefore, this week we get to catch up on our sleep by reprinting some of our finest. Enjoy.)

- FROM THE ARCHIVE -

January 17, 2005
I received the syllabus for my Humanities course. A humanities course should not be required for my B.Sc degree in Physics. To add insult to injury, we are supposed to do an analysis of Well’s The Time Machine. We are to focus on the historical context when the topic is time travel?
Who reads a book on a time machine for social insights? I would do anything to get out of this essay.
At dinner, my friends complained about this assignment. I tell them a way out: I will build a time machine.
They mocked me, but they will see.

January 18, 2005
9:20 A.M. Building a time machine is harder than I thought. There are all kinds of technical challenges I didn’t anticipate. Frustrated, I decide to make a mix tape with songs like Cher’s If I could Turn Back Time.
Noon. Finished my time machine. The book report is due in a couple of weeks, so I need to get down to business.

January 19, 2005
Watched Groundhog Day. What a great movie.

January 20, 2005
After lunch I get in my time machine and press the lever forward. I don’t know what to expect and am somewhat surprised by the sound emitted which is that of a very large blender. Stranger yet is the smell emitted by my contraption—which is that of cinnamon vanilla.

August 14, 1996
I have successfully transgressed the boundaries of time. I have moved backward in time.
I create an internet company called eToys. If I am rich, I don’t need to stay in school.

February 12, 1997
I’m rich. I have no need to go to school. Returning to the present with no worries about stupid papers on stupid books.

January 20, 2005
I return to the present. My company has flopped. I’m in debt. Must figure out a way to finish book report. Less than a month until it is due!

March 08, 1920
I go to Harvard, to see Professor Santayana, guru of arts and culture and stuff. I tell him my situation, the whole thing.
I ask him if he’ll help me.
He says to me, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

January 20, 2005
I believe Santayana was trying to give me a suggestion about the significance of Wells. I come up with a couple of ideas. After a good night’s rest I’ll return to Professor Santayana and see what he says.

March 08, 1920
I take my ideas to Santayana.
He says to me, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”
I can see where this is going. I make my way back to the future.

December 16, 2004
Today is the day I signed up for the humanities course.
I try to intercept my past self from taking the humanities course. The lines for registration are painfully long. Unwilling to wait, I decide to not bother.

July 13, 1880
I meet H.G. Wells and try to persuade him he shouldn’t be a writer. H.G. claims he isn’t that interested in writing.
He asks me where I am from and why I am dressed the way I am.
I tell him that I have come from the future.
H.G.: “The future? Say, that is an interesting idea. Someone who can move through time. Speaking of writing,that would make for an interesting book. Don’t you think?”

I return to the present, depressed.

January 21, 2005
I realize I’m doing this all wrong. I should go to the future. Get the book report, I have already written, and than take it back to the past! The present! You know before the due date.

October 26, 2056
Overshot by a bit much.
I am so sick of my mix tape. I was sick of it the first time. But after fifty years? You can understand, if I am a bit on edge.
I assumed that the future would be infinitely more complex. Really is much simpler and I suppose it makes just as much sense to imagine that human society would work to make everything simpler rather than more complex.
The fundamental unit of currency is the ‘Ice Cube.’ I load my pockets with these, as proof of my adventure when I return to 2005, but also because I find them very helpful in cooling off room temperature drinks.

February 28, 2005
I meet my future self, who has already had his book report returned to him. He got a C-, the slacker. That’s good enough for me, though. So, I take my future self’s essay and run.

February 18, 2005
I submit my paper on The Time Machine.

February 28, 2005
My paper is returned to me with a C-. I feel like this doesn’t reflect the amount of effort I have put in. I tell the teacher so.
On the way out of my professor’s office, a young man (handsome, introspective and yet obviously ambitious) steals my book report. It doesn’t really matter since I’ve already received my grade. But it was still a painful reminder of how tough you have to be in this world.

October 3, 802, 701
I call a meeting. I persuade the Eloi and Morlock to live peaceably together. I warn them not to go back to their old ways.
I look at them and say “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

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Justin Kahn puts stuff on his blog, conceptofirony.blogspot.com

THE NUDE MOUSE – A SCIENCE CREATIVE QUARTERLY PIN UP (NO. 1)

By Benjamin Cohen and David Ng

(Last week was reading week at UBC, but we were so freaking busy that we didn’t even get a chance to rest. Therefore, this week we get to catch up on our sleep by reprinting some of our finest. Enjoy.)

- FROM THE ARCHIVE -


(CLICK HERE FOR PIN-UP POSTER – pdf file ~250k)
– We suggest photocopying at 129% – LTR to 11×17 –

Earlier this week, we had the chance to sit down with a member of a growing army of naked bubble mice. In thousands of biology labs around the globe, these lab mice quietly do their part in the pursuit of science and medicine. Called Nude Mice, these striking creatures are a result of spontaneous inbreeding, natural genetic freak shows if you will. More importantly, they are bereft of both hair and immunity – things that would normally protect them from the elements of the sky and the cooties of the world. And lucky for us, traits that not only afford some big advantages in the research arena but make for a great interview. The nude mouse we interviewed was just finished with a talk biopsy, so we met in his lab while he worked through his lunch.

- – -

I want to shoot straight from the hip here: On having no hair. How is it?
It can get cold sometimes, but generally it doesn’t bother me. Besides, most females prefer it that way.

Okay, okay. Then I’ll stay on this pattern: On having no immune system. Your thoughts?
Well, I have to say that as bad as it sounds, I love it. I mean – it’s who I am. If anything, the part I hate is having to explain what having no immune system actually means. If you go into B cells, T cells, antibodies and the like, people just glaze over. It can really kill a conversation.

I’m with you on that.
In the past, I’d talk about being like the bubble boy. Nowadays, I usually just say rent the movie Fantastic Voyage – yes, that Fantastic Voyage, with Raquel Welch in the tight suit – and watch out for those bad ass white cells eating the spaceship. I tell them that not having an immune system means stuff like not having any of those bad ass white cells.

Sort of After-School Special-ish, no?
Don’t judge me, ‘kay?

Of course not. How about, Give us your reflections on the media.
You’re asking me?

Yep.
The media I can live without. We’re fairly private creatures, so the whole publicity thing is not cool. Besides, they almost never get it right. One time, my uncle had a human ear prosthetic grow on his back, and well, Christ, with all the press that ensued, you’d think he was sleeping with Jennifer Anniston. Not only that, but if you picked up a newspaper, you’d see this picture of poor naked Uncle Orv with a huge human ear on his back, and you’d be totally thinking that he could hear out of this thing. Which, of course, is not at all true. A shame really – that experiment was pretty elegant in my view.

You’re kidding me, right?
Not at all. Engraft a hollow polymer scaffold (shaped like an ear) on Uncle Orv’s back, infiltrate it with tissue cells from a burn victim needing an ear prosthetic, and wait for growth. Unky Orv ends up doing good because he has no hair, and he also doesn’t have the biology to reject the foreign ear tissue. How brilliant is that?

Point taken. Let’s move on. On stem cell research. React.
Basically, and to quote a GREAT movie, “bring it on!” Although to be honest, my opinion is pretty biased. They do a lot of bone marrow research on types like me, since having no immune system means I’m great as a clean slate. Just put some stem cells in my spleen and hey, you just might reconstitute my immune system. That’s awesome when it happens, because then I can actually leave my bubble for a while. I hate living in a fucking bubble.

On scientists playing God, creationism and intelligent design.
Seriously, do I look like something that is a result of intelligent design? And I don’t care much for those creationism types either. Did you know that only humans get to enter the gates of heaven? What’s up with that?

I have no problem with that, if you’re asking. But let’s keep this one-way. On the ethical treatment of animals. Everyone’s always bitching about that.
Look, it’s really not so bad. I get nice living quarters, and plenty of food. And every once in a while, they bring in a wheel or a bunch of females, sometimes both. Plus, I know I doing some good in this world – the experiments they carry out can actually help people. Really, what more could you ask for?

* * *

(Image by Jane Wang)

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Benjamin Cohen is an assistant professor of Science, Technology, and Society at the University of Virginia. But that's not the important part. More interestingly, he helps out at and contributes to the McSweeney's website.

David Ng is a geneticist, the editor of the Science Creative Quarterly, and has a Dad who beat up Bruce Lee. Right now, he is a big fan of Stephen Lewis.

A MISPLACED CHAPTER FROM THE BOOK OF GENESIS

By Vince LiCata

(Last week was reading week at UBC, but we were so freaking busy that we didn’t even get a chance to rest. Therefore, this week we get to catch up on our sleep by reprinting some of our finest. Enjoy.)

- FROM THE ARCHIVE -

And lo, it came to be that God was sitting around in his Lazy-God recliner one quiet millennium, and He sayeth unto His Godlike self: “God is bored and needs some entertainment.” And lo, God created the Earth and all it’s inhabitants without getting up from the Lazy-God chair, even whence God needed the occasional short beer break while working, still He did not leave His chair, but simply reached into His Almighty Demi-God Fridge which He always keepeth beside the Lazy-God chair.

Late in the week, as one Godlike afternoon twinkled into evening, God looketh down upon His new entertainment system called Earth and He smiled at the little animals and plants that He created. He giggled at their natural tendency toward intra- and inter-species violence, and He snickered with slight embarrassment at their obsessive mating rituals. After a few more Godweiser’s from the Demi-Fridge, God decided to make a man. Much later, God realized that He should have done this before His eighth beer of the evening.

And lo, God created mankind, and womankind, and He did smile upon them and snicker in slight embarrassment at their obsessive mating rituals. Soon, in God-time that is, God realized that this mankind He had created was getting quite good at thinking on its own, and was getting rather uppity and rude with God. This mankind seemed to enjoy flaunting God’s arbitrary rules, and so God, in His infinite kindness tried all kinds of subtle punitive measures: like banishing the first man-family into the desert, or drowning everyone on Earth except for one man-family. After such measures did not stem the tide of mankind’s uppity-ness, God decided that He would use His infinite powers to hide Himself from man’s view.

And so God created the shroud of evolution. Yes, God, who valued truth and the love of mankind above all else, created an elaborate lie in order distance Himself from His most clever creations. Much later, God realized, He probably should have created a therapist and some anti-anxiety drugs for Himself.

And lo, God, who had created all the world in only six days, had created mankind on the fifth or sixth day (He could never remember which, because eight beers is a lot, even for God). After this great achievement God decided to devise elaborate falsehoods to hide His accomplishments. He made man think the Earth was over 4 billion years old, instead of several thousand years old. He made man think that life had started with the smallest of organisms, and that through an elaborate system of controlled reproductive errors and adaptive selection of beneficial mistakes that man eventually “evolved” from these simplest organisms. He hid fake fossils in the ground, and tinkered with genomes, and designed elaborate taxonomic relationships among the existing organisms such that mankind would take years and years to elucidate all His lies. He bought a small desk at the God-ware store and put it next to His Lazy-God chair, spending night after God-night sweating over the elaborate lies upon lies that He needed to create to keep mankind fooled. As man became more sophisticated and invented tools and high cost scientific apparatus, so God needed to become more sophisticated in His lies. Soon, God was spending the bulk of His time on His elaborate fabrications, and ignoring His own real first interests: truth and love.

Some men and women really made God’s head hurt. These humans, who called themselves scientists, made God’s life a living Hell. Here He was, a supreme being of love and truth, who commanded all mankind to seek perfection in love and truth, and He had to stay up late almost every bloody night of the week, and most weekends, fabricating increasingly elaborate lies to keep these so-called scientists thinking that He did not exist and that the Earth and all its living beings came about via a slow, semi-random process they called “evolution”. These two conflicting ideologies, love and truth versus elaborately constructed falsehoods, swirled around in God’s giant brain causing Him much guilt and consternation, not to mention loss of sleep. And then one day the matter and anti-matter of God’s brain simply collided, and God’s head exploded.

The matter and anti-matter of God’s exploding head shot outward at terrific speeds on that fateful day, fourteen billion years ago, and in a matter of mere moments created billions of galaxies each filled with billions upon billions of stars. Remnants of this big bang are visible today with the telescopes and other scientific tools the current inhabitants of Earth have designed. About ten billion years after this big bang, some of the exploded contents of God’s head cooled enough to form planets, such as the one we call “Earth”. Life evolved on Earth, and likely has evolved on other planets, because God simply cannot be still, even in exploded form.

Some of the bits of God’s exploded head contained memory-bytes of the dilemma that caused God’s head to explode in the first place, and these memory-bytes sometimes haunt the subconscious of the most highly intellectually evolved Earth organisms, such as dolphins and even humans. These thought-dreams of God’s memory both confuse and comfort the beings that are sensitive to them. And so it came to be that God was everywhere, in every atom, in every subatomic particle, exploded across the Universe in a gigantic irrepressible splatter of life, and love, and truth, and even and always: conflict.

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Vince LiCata is a biochemist in the Department of Biological Sciences at the Louisiana State University. His laboratory studies protein structure and function. He owns two Britney Spears CDs, but one of them is an illegal copy given to him by one of his students. He routinely gives out more than 25% A’s in his General Biochemistry and Biophysical Chemistry courses, yet is considered a hard-ass. He is reasonably sure that if Britney Spears got in a fight with Jessica Simpson, that BS would crack JS like a little twig.

A CHEMISTRY STUDENT’S INNER VOICE GUIDE TO ACID/BASE TITRATION

By Cody Cobb

A. INTRODUCTION

.: This experiment consists of two parts. The first is designed so that you may screw up and not face any further consequences. The second requires your utmost diligence, as the products from this experiment will serve as the basis of every other experiment for the rest of the semester.

.: In the first part, you will use a primary standard solution of potassium hydrogen phthalate (pronounced ‘phth-al-ate’) to standardize a roughly 0.1 molar solution of sodium hydroxide. This is perhaps the easiest exercise performed in any laboratory on campus, and your soul will be crushed as you later discover the preceding clause is far more accurate than you had realized. Once you have determined the exact (read: approximate) molarity of the sodium hydroxide solution, you will set it aside in a bottle already labeled “primary solution” by an earlier student who bypassed the designated labeling tape and went straight for the permanent marker instead. You, also being lazy, will simply write “secondary solution” on the other side of the bottle so that you may later forget which is correct.

.: In the second part of the experiment you will use the standardized sodium hydroxide solution to woefully miscalculate the concentration of hydrochloric acid solution (which should be about 0.15 M, but you will divide the wrong value into your figures and get ~255 M-L). During both of these titrations, you will record the pH levels of the solutions using antiquated equipment you would expect to find in a scientific version of the Salvation Army. These readings will not be used for calculating the exact concentrations of sodium hydroxide and hydrochloric acid, but you will be forced to graph them anyway. (You are encouraged to develop an inexplicable fondness for sigmoidal curves to help alleviate the tedium associated with and facilitate the completion of this part of the exercise.) Data for these calculations will instead be obtained via divine revelation. In addition, The Elders have decreed that only a select few students will be granted a deeper understanding to the mysterious secrets of nature, which should bring the class average to a C.

.: You will use the acid-base indicators phenolphthalein and bromthymol blue during the titrations. You will forget to add an indicator to at least one of your titrations and will spend forty minutes of laboratory time wasting a good one-third of your potassium hydrogen phthalate solution wondering when it will change colors. Before we proceed to the instructions for this experiment, it might be useful to explain, in detail, the concepts behind acid-base indicators.

.: pH and Acid-Base Indicators. Reviews of previous class performances have revealed that students do not pay attention to any of the text between the introduction and the instructions. In the interest of brevity, the authors of this edition of your laboratory manual have decided to summarize the section on pH and acid-base indicators thusly: if it’s clear, it’s an acid; if it’s pink, it’s a base.

B. STANDARDIZATION OF A SODIUM HYDROXIDE SOLUTION

.: Preparation of Primary Standard KHP Weigh 7.5 grams of primary standard KHP into a clean, dry weighing bottle using the broken rough balance. Be sure to sweep away all of the excess KHP powder you spilled before your TA notices. Dry the sample in the oven at 27 oC for two hours, then wait for your TA to realize the oven has been off for the past two hours. Call it a day. When you return to find your freshly dried sample knocked over by another careless student, start the process over. Do not fret, you were only two steps in anyway. Re-weigh your sample and dry for two hours at 110 oC. Read a book in the meantime.

.: After the sample is dry and ready, dwell for a few more minutes on the time you wasted reading when you could have been preparing for the next step.

.: Preparation of Carbonate-Free NaOH. Using a 1500 mL beaker, bring 1100-1200 mL of deionized water to a vigorous boil. After spending a good fifteen minutes doing so, listen for your TA to say that it’s OK to skip this step.

.: The apparatus necessary for filtering the sodium carbonate precipitate from the 50% NaOH solution is shown in Figure 1. Assemble this apparatus first.

figure_1.gif

Figure 1. Correct Assembly for Filtering a Concentrated Sodium Hydroxide Solution. The filtered NaOH is collected in the test tube, unless it’s leaky. Be sure to watch the student next to you as he turns off the vacuum before disconnecting the rubber tube. It’s hilarious.

  1. Use a Walter crucible holder, filter flask, and a test tube as shown.
  2. Wait for your TA to come around and configure the apparatus to correct for a glaring error in the laboratory manual.
  3. Do not try to suspend the test tube in which you are going to collect the filtrate. Just let it drop down in there. Don’t worry about cracking it — chances are it was cracked to begin with.
  4. The concentrated NaOH solution is very caustic and will attack filter paper. Glass fiber mats will be required. BE SURE TO WEAR YOUR SAFETY GLASSES, WHICH THIS $103 MILLION BUILDING WILL NOT PROVIDE.
  5. Pour the NaOH solution in the Walter crucible and turn on the vacuum seal.
  6. Make sure every drop of NaOH solution makes it into the test tube.
  7. Good luck trying to get the test tube out.

.: To prepare one liter of 0.1 M NaOH add 8 grams (use the rough balance; we don’t trust you with the analytical balance yet) of reagent grade NaOH and 8 mL of deionized water to a small (50 mL) beaker. You will be interrupted at this point by a lab partner who is still trying to figure out the filtration assembly. Once you are done helping them the NaOH tablets will have formed an impenetrable solid mass at the bottom of the beaker. Stir the solution. Keep stirring. Almost there. Don’t spill! Nobody saw it. Keep going. Recoil in horror as you discover a massive contaminating stain on the inside of your glass beaker. Start over. CAUTION, THIS PROCESS IS VERY EXOTHERMIC AND THE SOLUTION WILL BECOME VERY HOT. BE SURE TO BUY NEW PANTS AFTER THE LAB, YOU CLUMSY OAF.

.: Run the concentrated NaOH solution through the filter assembly. The filtrate should look clear, but it won’t. Run the concentrated NaOH solution through the filter assembly again. After that, filter the solution once more, this time remembering to place the glass fiber mat inside the crucible. You will need 6 mL of this solution, but by now you have spilled 3 mL, bringing your total to no more than 5 mL.

.: To one liter of cooled, boiled, deionized water add 6 mL of the filtered 50% NaOH solution. Shake the solution thoroughly to ensure that is homogenized, then quickly wash the hand that held the unsecured cap.

.: Preparation of Primary Standard KHP Solution. After the weighing bottle containing the KHP has cooled to room temperature, weigh it to the nearest 0.1 mg (four places beyond the decimal). Shit yourself when the TA explains that the analytical balances can detect the weight of a fingerprint. The correct weighing procedure is called “weighing by difference”.

.: After recording the weight of the weighing bottle containing KHP, carefully pour all the KHP into a clean 400 mL beaker. Replace the cap on the weighing bottle and weigh it again to the nearest 0.1 mg. Record the difference in weight in your laboratory notebook. Your result should look something like 7.4591 ± Fingerprint.

.: Add approximately 100 mL of deionized water to the beaker and swirl over a small Bunsen burner flame, which you have no idea how to adjust. Do not use a stirring rod unless you want to clean it later. Do not allow anyone to see you let any solid or solution to splash out of the beaker. Transfer the solution QUANTITATIVELY to a 250 mL volumetric flask using a glass funnel and a stirring rod. Look up “quantitatively” in the back of your manual and realize we simply meant “transfer all of the solution to a 250 mL volumetric flask.” Carefully add more deionized water until the solution in the flask overflows.

.: Standardization of the NaOH Solution. The titration will require the use of a pipet and a buret. (Striking a Faustian bargain is recommended for students who wish to learn how to use a pipet without spilling.) These pieces of glassware must be properly cleaned in a special, tedious manner. You are better off simply breaking these items and requesting new, sterile ones from the stockroom.

.: FOR THE FIRST TITRATION ONLY, obtain a pH meter from the stockroom. Calibrate the pH meter by handing it to your TA and saying, “it doesn’t work, can you fix it?” Pipet a 25.00 mL aliquot of the standard KHP solution into a beaker and add 3 drops of phenolphthalein as indicator. Measure the pH of the solution and record it on the yellow carbon-copy page in your laboratory notebook. Flip the notebook to the white page on top of the yellow page and carefully trace the numbers so that your TA will not notice your mistake. Titrate by adding 1.0 mL increments of the NaOH solution, beginning with the buret filled to the 0.00 mL. Record the pH after each increment. Note that the volume at which the pH changes by several units and the color changes from colorless to red is the approximate end point volume. Wonder aloud how the buret now suddenly reads 0.5 mL differently from what you last wrote down, then observe the fresh leak at the stopcock. Continue anyway, this titration is only for the titration curve — no calculations will be made from this data.

.: NOTE: If you are red-green color blind to any extent, you are permitted to spend up to 10 minutes of laboratory time cursing the genes your parents gave you, specifically your mother’s.

.: Based on the approximate end point volume determined in the first titration, calculate the approximate molarity of the NaOH solution. FOR ALL SUBSEQUENT TITRATIONS pipet a 25.00 mL aliquot of the standard KHP solution into a 250 mL Erlenmeyer flask. Repeat titration of NaOH until you exhaust your KHP solution. Cherry-pick the data to find the most reliable titrations. Use fancy statistics to justify your selections and to cover your tracks.

C. DETERMINATION OF THE ACID UNKNOWN.

.: Using a clean, dry 250 mL Erlenmeyer flask obtain about 200 mL of HCl solution from the stockroom. Misleading headings to the contrary, you will not work with any unknown substances during this portion of the experiment. Pipet a 25.00 mL aliquot of the HCl solution into a 400 mL beaker and mistakenly add 3 drops of phenolphthalein, then add 3 drops of bromthymol blue to counteract the 3 drops of phenolphthalein, then add 3 more drops of bromthymol blue as indicator. Titrate with 50 mL of NaOH solution until the solution in the beaker turns blue. DO NOT DRINK THE RESULTING SOLUTION.

.: Record the volume of NaOH solution added and the degree of color change during each increment. Repeat procedure until you have four reliable titrations or until your laboratory period is almost over. From your data, calculate the molarity of the HCl solution (see Sample Calculations in Ancillary, available in the university bookstore for $45).

D. TITRATION CURVES.

.: Prepare titration curves for both KHP and HCl titrations by plotting pH as a function of volume of NaOH added and drawing a smooth curve through the data. Data which does not fit in a smooth function may be discarded without consequence. Plot both titration curves on the same graph, making sure to screw up on the second plot every time in order to more completely familiarize yourself with the graph-making process. Plot all remaining data points and draw circles around each data point for the KHP solution and squares around each data point for the HCl solution. Label the colors of the solutions at the data points immediately before and immediately after the end points for both titrations. Staple the graph paper to the back of the report sheet. This ridiculously easy task will count for half of your grade for this experiment, and you will still only score 70% of the points available.

E. QUESTIONS

  1. Which instrument used in this experiment was the most unreliable? Why?
  2. Several other classmates completed this experiment before you. What did they do better?
  3. Which solution was more damaging to your clothing — HCl, NaOH, or KHP? Why?
  4. Could you see yourself doing this kind of work for the rest of your life? If no, explain your answer in detail; if yes, liar.
  5. Is it too late for you to switch majors? Discuss this question with your adviser.
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Cody Cobb is a biochemistry student at Baylor University. He`s currently writing a contributor`s blurb after being asked to do so. Sometimes he reads words and phrases incorrectly and assumes they mean something wholly different from what they actually mean. He`s hoping that this is, in fact, a contributor`s blurb.

BILL HICK, SCIENCE PRICK, SERVES SUCKAS ON THE BLOCK

By Eric Feezell and Danny Feezell

Dear Mr. Hick,

Hi! My name is Sammy, and I live in Alaska with my mama, papa, and puppy dog, Puppy. I am only six, so my mama typed this for me. You are one of my favorite people. Ever!

There’s this thing that we see up here a lot called the aurora borealis. (That looks like a hard word to spell! Wow.) My papa says it has something to do with electrons (another really hard word!), but I have a secret: I think it’s heaven.

What do you think, Mr. Hick?

Love,

Sammy Davis
Fairbanks, Alaska

Dear Sammy,

Sammy, I one-hundred-percent agree with you! Those are indeed the lights of God’s kingdom that you see coruscating on the northern horizon every few months. You can tell your papa I said so, too.

Now, let me give you some sound advice: Look long and hard on those lights, Sammy Davis, because that’s as close as you’re ever going to get to heaven, given the fact that you decided to convert to Judaism while doped up in the hospital after that auto wreck. Say hi to the rest of the Rat Pack for me, would you?

Puppy is a great name for a dog, by the way. Very imaginative. I can only dream what you’ll call your first-born child, should you ever be unlucky enough to have one.

Kind regards,

Bill Hick, Science Prick

****

Dear Bill Hick,

My stupid friend Marcus told me that bowling balls float. I said no way. He said yeah-huh. We made a bet and then I threw my dad’s bowling ball into the pool and it sank. But Marcus won’t pay me because he says he saw something on your show that showed a bowling ball floating in a fish tank or something dumb like that. But we both saw it. The ball sank. Would you settle this, and tell Marcus to pay me my stupid five dollars?

Vince Anderson
Ventura, California

Dear Vince,

This is obviously a question of density. Or, perhaps more appropriately, denseness.

I could go on and on about density, buoyancy, water-weight displacement, and the like, but you don’t come off as terribly intelligent, so let’s keep it basic and just stick with what you need to know:

Your dad is a bowler. Given this fact, it follows that he likely has a severe drinking problem, and is therefore more prone to abusing you verbally and physically. How do you think he’s going to react when he sees his bowling ball at the bottom of the swimming pool? My guess is badly. So you have to ask yourself the same question I am faced with each time I receive back-alley fellatio: Was it really worth the five dollars? Maybe. Maybe not.

If I were you, I would sleep with one eye open, Vince, lest you end up sleeping next to that bowling ball.

Best,

Bill Hick, Science Prick

****

Dear Bill Hack, Science Quack,

I am Dr. Sachin Vishnakyra, and I write to you from the engineering department of the California Institute of Science and Technology. Not long ago, my lab associates and I inquired with you requesting your “expert” consultation on a certain scientific matter. You did not reply, however. It is in the spirit of scientific endeavor that I contact you a second time.

Recently, my group discovered that the quantum-confined Stark effect may be responsible for the reduced modal gain observed in optoelectronic devices utilizing InGaN quantum wells.

If the electron and hole wave functions are indeed spatially separated under low injection conditions, their low overlap integral explains the gain reduction. However, we do not yet understand what effect this spatial separation will have on the electroluminescence properties of the quantum wells at high injection levels.

From one “scientist” to another, I ask: do you care to elaborate?

On behalf of my lab partners, I look forward to benefiting from your vast knowledge on this subject.

Sachin Vishnakyra, Ph.D.
Postdoctoral Researcher
California Institute of Science and Technology

Dear Dr. Vishnakyra,

Forgive me for neglecting to address your previous inquiry. It was received, but disregarded nevertheless, along the lines that it was nothing more than a juvenile attempt at discrediting me as a “scientist.” Obviously, however, you feel the need to press the issue. So, to paraphrase Wyatt Earp: You called down the thunder, well now you’ve got it, mister.

Any researcher worth his salt would already have concluded that the quantum-confined Stark effect is the result of the piezoelectric fields present at the interfaces between the InGaN quantum wells and the GaN barriers. These piezoelectric fields cause the quantum wells to be triangular in shape, thus separating the electron and hole wave functions and leading to a reduced overlap integral. No shit, right?

So, under higher injection levels, the shapes of the quantum wells begin to level out and the effective band-gap in the material is increased. Therefore, the electroluminescence will experience a blue shift under these high injection levels.

Boo-yah! I feel this answers your question quite sufficiently. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have matters of greater scientific consequence to attend to; namely, optimizing yo mama’s modal gain until she reaches threshold. After that, “in the spirit of scientific endeavor,” I think I’ll increase my injection level until I completely populate her triangular well.

Served.

Bill Hick, Science Prick

P.S. Yo mama’s like an overlap integral: she so fat, she overlap a ground-water well!

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Eric Feezell`s humor writing has appeared at/in a variety of web and print publications. If you must see more of it, go here: www.ericfeezell.com

DENATURING GRADIENT GEL ELECTROPHORESIS (DGGE): AN OVERVIEW

By Fatou Diarrassouba Ly

Imagine a scenario, where you have a patient with a life-threatening infection. Such a patient might require prompt antimicrobial therapy. However, in clinical microbiology, there is this constant race against the clock in identifying these disease-causing organisms so that an effective treatment can be provided. In fact, often, it is only after the death of a patient that the disease-causing organism is identified. This is primarily because traditional culture methods can be laborious, and in the case of mixed cultures, other analyses are required to identify microorganisms at the species level. Taken together, the entire process can be time consuming, whereby sometimes over a month is required to accurately identify the disease-causing organism (2).

It is therefore important to find ways to solve these problems that are found in extensive culture methods, and PCR-DGGE (Polymerase Chain Reaction Denaturing Gradient Gel Electrophoresis) is one such way. In essence, PCR-DGGE involves amplification of DNA by genus-specific primers that target 16S rDNA sequences and the subsequent differentiation of this DNA on DGGE gel (1-5).

Introduction

DNA is a molecule responsible for preserving genetic information across species and across time. It consists of a meaningful arrangement of chemicals called nucleotides that are symbolized by “A”, “T”, “C” and “G.” These arrangements tell us a story of each organism or individual, in that the code they produce, represent a detailed instruction book for that organism or individual. Any change introduced in this sequence is called a mutation, and whilst mutations occur randomly, many endure as an organism “acclimatizes” to a new environment. Hence, observing and understanding these mutations would undoubtedly improve our understanding of residual and transient organisms in a variety of environments when observation is difficult. For instance, this would be useful for the monitoring of microbial populations, where culture dependant methods fall short.

Denaturing Gradient Gel Electrophoresis (DGGE) is such a technique that attempts to do this. This molecular biology approach is a fingerprinting methodology that has led to revolutionary changes in many of the traditional routines used in assessing microbial populations (1). Therefore, this paper will briefly explain a number of applications that involve the technique and will also examine how DGGE works in general.

Applications of PCR-DGGE

PCR-DGGE is classified as part of the new discipline of molecular microbial ecology (5). Microbial ecology aims at studying interactions among microorganisms and between microorganisms and their environment. This involves long-term study, which includes various and numerous environmental sample analysis (5). However, conventional cloning, hybridisation and culture methods as mentioned above are not always practical for such investigations. Moreover, these techniques do not provide any information on the dynamics of the microbial populations in complex ecosystems and potential effects of environmental changes on such populations (4, 5, 6). Most importantly, these methods require an extended knowledge of the microorganisms to develop adapted probes that target particular individuals among diverse populations (5).

PCR-DGGE has the advantage of not requiring previous knowledge on microbial populations. It is a fingerprinting approach that can generate a pattern of genetic diversity in complex microbial ecosystems such as gastrointestinal tracts, soils, sediments, deep seas, rivers, hot springs and biofilms (4, 5). A major advantage of this method is its potential to visually profile and monitor changes occurring in various microbial communities, that are undergoing different treatments or modifications. It is a rapid and efficient separation technique of same length DNA sequences (amplified by PCR), which may vary as little as a single base pair modification (4, 5, 6).

Furthermore, PCR-DGGE is a flexible method that allows a unique combination of different approaches for a more accurate identification of, for example, functional genes present in particular bacterial populations or specific bacterial species by using hybridization or species-specific probes (2, 4, 5). This methodology can be utilized in diverse subject areas such as clinical and environmental microbiology and food safety.

PCR-DGGE in clinical microbiology

Examples of DGGE applications in clinical microbiology abound. For instance, DGGE allowed the identification of over 65 Mycoplasma species of human and veterinary origins in less than 24 hours (7). Mycoplasmas are fastidious organisms that require many weeks to culture and other serological tests to be identified. They cause various diseases associated with pneumonia, arthritis, conjunctivitis, infertility and abortion (7). This application of PCR-DGGE could potentially allow considerable savings of time, life and treatment costs.

Another important achievement was that DGGE has been established to have a real potential in screening large number of patients for rapid and reliable identification of deleterious changes in both breast cancer genes BRCA1 and BRCA2. (8). Hence PCR-DGGE allowed the detection of numerous mutations and revealed the existence of unclassified variants that were not reported before (8). This method was also able to demonstrate that animals, such as the Nile crocodile, baboon, red panda, wolf and Taiwan beauty snake, could also be infected by Helicobacter species, bacteria suspected to be responsible for stomach ulcers (9).

PCR-DGGE in environmental microbiology and food safety

PCR-DGGE is also a useful tool in studying complex microbial communities such as the gastrointestinal (GI) tract of food producing animals. Food producing animals are animals raised for milk, meat and egg production. These animals can carry in their GI tract disease-causing organisms throughout the production chain to the retail market and from the retail market to the consumer’s dinner table (10). It is therefore very important to elucidate the exact microbial populations of food producing animals’ GI tract. This will allow a better control of the shedding of deadly bacteria strains into manure which is used as fertilizer for produce such as fruits and vegetables.

The recent outbreak of E. coli on spinach in California is a painful recall that even vegetarians are not safe from the damages caused by a degraded health condition of food producing animals. The need for rapid and accurate methods for screening of total microbial populations in complex ecosystems is more evident than ever. PCR-DGGE has proved to be a powerful tool in assessing total gut microbial populations and was also used to detect previously unknown bacteria species in the GI tract of animals (1, 2, 9, 11). Understanding the relationship between the host and the disease-causing organisms will certainly assist us in defining efficient pathogens control measures. This is of paramount importance in food safety and food processing where quality control and assurance programs necessitate proficient methods to discontinue the transmission cycle of life-threatening microbes.

Last but not least, PCR-DGGE was used to examine complex ecosystems such as river, seas, soils and deep-sea hydrothermal vent (4, 5, 12, 13). Understanding complex microbial populations would certainly help us in rapid decision-making with regard to adequate treatment and other major interventions aiming at making the world a better and safer place to live.

How does it work?

First, DNA fragments from a sample containing multiple organisms are amplified using the PCR technique (to learn more about PCR click the following link.) These amplified products generally entail sequences that are well conserved from organism to organism – for example, sequences for the 16S rDNA are a common choice. This collection of fragments is then subjected to the DGGE component of the procedure.

DGGE is a particular type of gel electrophoresis in which a constant heat (about 60ºC) and an increasing concentration of denaturing chemicals are used to force DNA molecules to unwind. A quick glimpse at electrophoresis tells us that this is a separation technique based on the electrical charge, shape and molecular weight of particulates such as DNA, proteins and RNA (3). In DGGE, DNA, which is negatively charged, is attracted by the positive electrode and forced to migrate through the pores of a polyacrylamide gel. Once it reaches the concentration of denaturing reagents at which it unwinds, it is said to have melted. This determines the melting domains (4, 5), which are defined as stretches of base pairs with an identical melting temperature (4). In other words, base pairs formed by nucleotides A (adenine) and T (thymine), and those formed by C (cytosine) and G (guanine) are chemically melted apart. Basically, what happens is that hydrogen bonding between the base pairs is broken by the temperature and the increasing gradient of denaturing chemicals (urea and formamide) (4, 5). Any variation of DNA sequences within these domains will result in different melting temperatures, thus causing different sequences to migrate at different positions in the gel (4). This provides DGGE with the power to distinguish between mutated and wild type sequences without prior knowledge of what these sequences are, justifying why this method is used to detect mutations within closely related organisms (1, 2).

DGGE.jpg

Figure 1: An example of a DGGE gel showing band compositions of various populations samples, representative of complex microbial ecosystems. Each band in each lane represents a 16S amplified product migrating to a unique position in the gel, which melts in a sequence dependant manner.

This separation is also aided considerably when a short sequence of G’s and C’s (about 40 nucleotides), often called GC-clamp, is attached to one end of the amplified DNA products (4, 6). This can be done by incorporation of this GC sequence into one of the primers used for amplifying the 16S rDNA fragments.

Conclusion

DGGE is undeniably a valuable approach in screening complex ecosystems on a large scale and in analyzing various environmental samples in a reduced amount of time. Using this technique, diagnosis of emerging infections could become easier and faster, and identification of uncultivable pathogens can also now be facilitated. Although there are limitations, DGGE is an interesting and unique approach that bridges many molecular biology tools together, and its limitations are primarily attributable to the fact that it is still a relatively new technique. If improved,

References:

1. McAuliffe L, Ellis RJ, Lawes JR, Ayling RD, Nicholas RA. 2005. 16S rDNA PCR and denaturing gradient gel electrophoresis; a single generic test for detecting and differentiating Mycoplasma species. J Med Microbiol. 54(Pt 8 ):731-9.

2. Walter J, Tannock GW, Tilsala-Timisjarvi A, Rodtong S, Loach DM, Munro K, Alatossava T. 2000. Detection and identification of gastrointestinal Lactobacillus species by using denaturing gradient gel electrophoresis and species-specific PCR primers. Appl Environ Microbiol. 66(1):297-303.

3. Creighton, Thomas C. 1999. Encyclopedia of Molecular Biology, Volumes 1-4. John Wiley & Sons.

4. Muyzer G, de Waal EC, Uitterlinden AG. 1993. Profiling of complex microbial populations by denaturing gradient gel electrophoresis analysis of polymerase chain reaction-amplified genes coding for 16S rRNA. Appl Environ Microbiol. 59(3):695-700.

5. Muyzer Gerard and Smalla Kornelia. 1998. Application of denaturing gradient gel electrophoresis (DGGE) and temperature gradient gel electrophoresis (TGGE) in microbial ecology. Antonie van Leeuwenhoek. 73: 127–141.

6. Sheffield VC, Cox DR, Lerman LS, Myers RM. 1989. Attachment of a 40-base-pair G + C-rich sequence (GC-clamp) to genomic DNA fragments by the polymerase chain reaction results in improved detection of single-base changes. Proc Natl Acad Sci U S A. 86(1):232-6.

7. McAuliffe Laura, Ellis Richard J, Lawes Jo R, Ayling Roger D and Nicholas Robin AJ. 2005. 16S rDNA PCR and denaturing gradient gel electrophoresis; a single generic test for detecting and differentiating Mycoplasma species. J Med Microbiol 54:731-739.

8. van der Hout Annemarie H., van den Ouweland Ans M.W., van der Luijt Rob B., Gille Hans J.P., ¨lle Bodmer Danie, Bru¨ggenwirth Hennie, Mulder Inge M., van der Vlies Pieter, Elfferich Peter, Huisman Maarten T., ten Berge Annelies M., Kromosoeto Joan, Jansen Rumo P.M., van Zon Patrick H.A., Vriesman Thyrsa, Arts Neeltje, Boutmy-de Lange Majella, Oosterwijk Jan C., Meijers-Heijboer Hanne,. Ausems Margreet G.E.M, Hoogerbrugge Nicoline, Verhoef Senno, Halley Dicky J.J., Vos Yvonne J., Hogervorst Frans, Ligtenberg Marjolijn, and Hofstra Robert M.W.. 2006. A DGGE System for Comprehensive Mutation Screening of BRCA1 and BRCA2: Application in a Dutch Cancer Clinic Setting. Human Mutation. 27(7):654-666.

9. Al-Soud Waleed Abu, Bennedsen Mads, W Stephen L. On, Ouis Ibn-Sina, Vandamme Peter, Nilsson Hans-Olof, Ljungh Åsa and Wadström Torkel. Assessment of PCR-DGGE for the identification of diverse Helicobacter species, and application to faecal samples from zoo animals to determine Helicobacter prevalence. J Med Microbiol 52 (2003), 765-771

10. National Research Council. Committee on Drug Use in Food Animals. Panel on Animal Health, Food Safety, and Public Health. Board on Agriculture. Food and Nutrition Board. The use of drugs in Food animals. Benefits and risks. Washington, D.C: National Academy Press; 1999.

11. Gong Jianhua, Forster Robert J., Yu Hai,. Chambers James R, Sabour Parviz M., Wheatcroft Roger and Chen Shu. 2002. Diversity and phylogenetic analysis of bacteria in the mucosa of chicken ceca and comparison with bacteria in the cecal lumen. FEMS Microbiology Letters. 208(1):1-7.

12. Nakatsu Cindy H., Torsvik Vigdis and Øvreås Lise. Soil Community analysis using DGGE of 16S rDNA Polymerase Chain Reaction products. Soil Science Society of America Journal 64:1382-1388.

13. Muyzer G, Teske A, Wirsen CO, Jannasch HW. 1995. Phylogenetic relationships of Thiomicrospira species and their identification in deep-sea hydrothermal vent samples by denaturing gradient gel electrophoresis of 16S rDNA fragments. Arch Microbiol. 164(3):165-72.

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Fatou Diarrassouba Ly is currently enrolled as a masters student in Food Science, specializing in food microbiology and food safety at the University of British Columbia. She pursued her undergraduate degree in pharmacy, at the University of Bamako in Mali (West Africa) and was also employed as a research associate in the molecular biology unit of the Malaria Research and Training Center prior to her arrival in Canada. For those who may not know, Timbuktu is located in Mali!

RUB-A-DUB-DUB, A POLAR BEAR IN A BATH TUB

By Sam Skalak

(See here first) This is just a friendly reminder that we have a science humour writing contest going on. Go on – be funny. Do some math. Win an iPod or a whole bunch of books. Note that entries do not have to be a whole piece that incorporates each image (like the one below) – just something funny will do.

contestweb.jpg

Click here for larger view of image

Exams are always the worst. But they are especially rough when you end up staring at the same question for what seems like an eternity. Through the eyepiece of a lab microscope, I was focused on a group of green objects [figure 1], of which I was supposed to identify. I had studied hard and I thought I knew them, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on the answer. When something is on the edge of your mind, but you just can’t remember it, it sucks big time! Because of this, one half of me felt lost in a cold and barren world with no end in sight [figure 2], and the other half just wanted to give up, turn in the test, and spend the night in the city [figure 3] floating [figure 4] from bar to bar looking for good reception [figure 5].

Everything else on the test had gone fairly smoothly. My mind had danced through answers and blank areas filled quickly with my chicken scratch [figure 6]. But when I arrived at the question mentioned above, I could only sit there stunned – somewhere my brain’s circuitry [figure 7] had frozen like a Mac SE loading Brickle (the original ball and paddle game—and pretty much the coolest game ever invented if you’re wondering).

Worse, all others in the class had finished their tests and had turned their backs to its misery [figure 8]. And now the only persons left in the room were myself and the professor who was happily doodling something on the board [figure 9]. I felt like such a loser. How was I supposed to impress my teacher if they only recognized me as the kid who took forever to finish his tests? But alas, I couldn’t think about that, I had to concentrate.

Starring off in thought, I continued to watch the teacher doodle on the side board. His drawing was a messy scribble resembling a bleeding egg. An egg! [figure 10] It dawned on me that my answer sounded similar to the word egg. Quickly I did some rhyming. I was on track! My mind was moving quickly now, and soon I became submerged in the problem. It was cold, but I knew that if I could blanket my mind with relevant thoughts in the same way a fur coat protects a polar bear [figure 11], then I might repel stray thoughts and find my answer.

The question was a mere percentage of the overall grade [figure 12], but the pressure was on and my mind was going to uncover a reflection [figure 13] of it sooner or later. Then, of a sudden the answer was burning like a flame inside of me [figure 14]. My body shuddered so hard when the idea hit me that I swear it could have registered on Richter scales across the continent [figure 15]. I looked at the microscope slide again from a different perspective to confirm my answer [figure 16]. That’s so easy! Why couldn’t I think of that sooner? I filled in my answer finishing the test just seconds before time was up. I was afloat [figure 17] with cheerfulness and nothing could hurt me now.

“See you later.” I said as I handed the professor my test. “How’d you do?” he asked. I told him I had gone back to number 20 and had sat there till I thought of the answer. He asked me what I put for the answer, and I told him. “Oh” he said looking confused, then chuckling, “for that one I wrote the answer on the front board because the question was written incorrectly.” I put my pen in my mouth and tried to hide behind it. “I’m sorry” he said “…looks like you got it wrong.”

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Sam Skalak is currently an undergrad at Christopher Newport University. He is pursuing a biology/chemistry major/minor and plans to attend graduate school. He just got his first cell phone in November of 2006, but he forgets it a lot.

RAMAN EFFECT

By Srinjay Chakravarti

If you wish to make the color blue
take a piece of sky and put it in a pot
large enough to place on the flame of the horizon
…And I left the recipe
for whoever, one day, would imitate the sky.
— Nuno Júdice
Translated from the Portuguese by Richard Zenith

River kites, with sun-smeared wings
climb towers of spiral stairs
with currents paying out their cords
from the choppy waves at the harbor.
White wings dazzle, helicoid
against a cerulean mystery —
witnesses to a mythopoeic voyage
unlocking the color schemes of nature.

After the rain,
the sun strings
its bow of seven colors,
touching the right cord
with its arc of white light.

Sailing to London in the Twenties,
Asia’s first Nobelist in science
and Indian physicist non pareil
watches the deep luster of the Mediterranean
with a fascination born of genius.
He asks himself a question
simple enough,
innocuous enough.
Why is the sea blue?
“Is it because the sky is reflected in the waters? Then why does the color remain even when billows roll on the surface?”
As Raman realizes, the deep blue is born as sunlight is scattered by water molecules.

A civil servant’s passage to England
ushers in a sea change
in spectroscopic theory,
unraveling the vibgyor ribbon
of the solar monochrome.

C.V.’s experiments mine the coruscant secrets
hidden inside ice and quartz crystals,
while diamonds, pearls and opals
iridesce in the stellar radiance
of his universe’s inner eye…

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Raman effect: This is a radiation effect concerning the inelastic scattering of light. When a beam of monochromatic light is scattered by a transparent material medium, such as clear water, the diffracted light contains frequency of very low intensity not present in the incident radiation. This is manifested in the appearance of additional lines in the spectrum of monochromatic light, showing that though the incident light is monochromatic, the scattered light is not.

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Srinjay Chakravarti is a 34-year-old journalist, economist and poet based in Salt Lake City, Calcutta, India. He was educated at St. Xavier`s College, Calcutta and at universities based in Calcutta and New Delhi. University degrees: BSc (Economics honors), MA (English). In North America, his poetry has appeared in Euphony, The Melic Review, Eclectica Magazine, The Pedestal Magazine, Tiferet: A Journal of Spiritual Literature, The Bathyspheric Review, The Avatar Review, Ygdrasil and elsewhere. His journalistic columns include essays and articles on physics (including astrophysics) and literature (including literary criticism).

MALCOLM GLADWELL WRITES THE INTRODUCTION TO A NEW EDITION OF THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY

By Hugh Powell

The galaxy is a very, very large place. And there’s a lot less stuff in it than you might think. The late Douglas Adams was right to point out that, once stranded in it, the chances of someone offering you a ride in their roomy vehicle are vanishingly small.

Previous editions of this book have attempted to quell this sense of hopelessness through the use of an apt, if rather limited, piece of advice: “Don’t Panic.” And though the advice itself is useful (because panicking is almost never a good idea) that’s its very weakness: too general. With this edition of the Guide, I’d like to apply a radically new approach to the problem of getting where you want to go – or at least getting to somewhere with an oxygen-rich atmosphere.

Most people, upon finding themselves riding the curb in a vast inky blackness, tend to solve the problem by seeking a vehicle. Call it the “not enough rocketships” approach. But these people, in their final moments, are ignoring a second key insight: the “plenty of space” angle. Typical of the imprisoned thought processes that all too often dominate our brains, the not-enough-rocketships approach focuses only on vehicular solutions. By contrast, people who perceive an abundance of space rarely attempt to remedy the situation. They don’t even see it as a problem.

In the late 1980s a team of psychologists from Virginia Polyamorous Institute conducted a fascinating experiment. They dropped study subjects at random in deserted parking lots. Half of the subjects were from Richmond (they were city folk) while the other half were members of the A’capa’capa tribe of the Central Amazonian Republic.

The results were startling. Urban subjects responded uniformly, slapping their sides in frustration, rummaging in their pockets for cell phones, and eventually returning – via taxi – to their townhouses and condominiums to slurp take-out chow mein and vent their frustrations by posting venomous music reviews on Amazon.com.

And the A’capa’capa? By nightfall, they had erected makeshift shelters constructed from free weekly newspapers and had begun trading jewelry made from carved pigeon bones. By daybreak they had been listed by Fortune 500 and by noon their supple-limbed leader was eating sushi with James Cameron in L.A., discussing the movie rights to his ordeal.

The lesson that emerges is that as long as we agree to live in a “not enough rocketships” world, we are likely to evaluate our problems as being spread out, unrelated, and intractable. But most problems – including finding ourselves marooned on the outskirts of a solar system known only by an 8-character alphanumeric code – turn out to be of the “plenty of space” variety. That is, most problems are more complicated and interrelated than we at first appreciate.

Take the A’capa’capa example. Whereas the tribe’s ingenuity and craftsmanship delivered them from the abandoned parking lot, when they returned to their home turf in the Central Amazonian Republic, they suddenly started fretting about things like the lack of good sushi. Within the month it got worse: a weekly free newspaper started up. A Chevy dealership appeared within six months, and recently the entire tiny country was paved over so the tribe members would have someplace to park their trucks while going to the movie theater to watch the exploits of their supple-limbed leader in their previously forested homeland.

So, as you rotate amid the stars, wondering what to do with your final seconds, let me supplement the “Don’t Panic” on the cover of this book with an additional piece of advice. Get comfortable, and dive right in to the rest of the Guide. Your problems are only just beginning. James Cameron should be along any moment.

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Hugh Powell is a science writer who lives in Santa Cruz, California. His past jobs include editor, ecologist, tropical birdwatcher, professional dishwasher and, believe it or not, ski photographer. He often writes about ocean science and tries to spend the rest of his time actually in the ocean. Surf.Bird.Scribble (aphriza.wordpress.com) is the name of his ocean-themed blog.

 

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