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candycorn

WHAT ARE THE BEST HALLOWEEN CANDIES?

This is the real reason we dress up like zombies giant bottles of catsup. David Ng and Ben Cohen present a survey to determine your favorites in anticipation of this year’s all-important hierarchical delineation of candy goodness. – – – Ranking candy hierarchy is properly and obviously the subject of natural science research. It is…

THE QUEST

Once upon a time in the Land of Lab, there was a Princess and two Princes working hard on their Graduate Student projects. One day, the King of the Lab called Princess Jane and Princes John and Robert into his Regal Office. “Tell me,” he said. “How goes the quest in the Lab?” “It goes slowly, sir,” they sighed. “Ah, it is as I thought,” said the King. “Would not a Contest of Skills focus the mind and enhance your activities? I propose that a new Quest begin today! Each of you shall leave my office forthwith and lose yourself…

AND GOD SAID, “LET THERE BE DINOSAURS!”

Let there be light! Let there be Heaven and Earth! Let there be mortal souls created in Mine own image, gifted with reason and free will… in a bit. First, let there be a bunch of giant fucking monsters everywhere! In My infinite wisdom, I know that populating Earth with millions of Godzillas will be awesome. Humongous monsters with silly little arms! Tiny monsters that hunt in packs! Monsters covered in bulletproof plates with spikes for tails and ocean monsters and flying monsters that terrorize the skies and HOLY SHIT THIS WILL BE VERY FUCKING COOL. Using the divine power…

NEUROTECH LIGHT AND DARK

A brain-computer interface controls her robotic arm. As easily as not thinking, she uses it to drink another shot of tequila. I feel a tic escape, as my deep brain stimulation implant remodulates its signal. But I’m not dropping my coffee anymore. The veteran’s brain implant doesn’t control his PTSD symptoms well, plus he has paranoia about mind control experiments by the government. A technician sends the telerobotic neurosurgeon a brain scan on her phone. A crack in the screen leads to the patient becoming a savant. An fMRI scanner noisily starts up. An undetected tattoo heats up from metal…

A CLIMATE CHANGE DENIER GETS HEATSTROKE

I’m fine, I just need a sip of water. Can I do that without sounding the climate-change alarms? There are four seasons, you guys. Summer’s the hot one. Always has been. I’m just a little thirsty. And, like, a teeny bit dizzy. You can split hairs all you want with statistics about temperatures steadily rising each year, or you can spare me the factual histrionics and start enjoying a little summer fun. I’m having such a good time that my head’s actually pounding with the pulse of summer. Really pounding. That’s strange, I actually feel kind of cold all of…

WOOKIEE FOREPLAY: TRANSGENERATIONAL EPIGENETIC REGULATION OF FORCE-SENSITIVITY BY ELABORATE DUET SONG

Just another reminder that this paper will be published in print format in the fall, along with selected SCQ pieces from the last 7 or so years. If you want to submit your creative science pieces with a mind to make the first issue of this new journal, then please visit here for more information. Annals of Praetachoral Mechanics. (2014). Vol 1. pp59-69 pdf download ABSTRACT Wookiees (W. wookiee) are monogamous, sentient mammals that have traditionally produced long and elaborate duet songs. It has been repeatedly proposed that duet mating songs for Wookiees might function to improve the fitness of…

COMMON SAYINGS TRANSLATED INTO SCIENTIFICALLY CORRECT STATEMENTS

COMMON: Hit the ground running. SCIENTIFIC: Conserve momentum. COMMON: My gut was telling me. SCIENTIFIC: My colon speaks. COMMON: If I had a nickel for every… SCIENTIFIC: x times 5cents, where x equals… COMMON: Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater SCIENTIFIC: Avoid wet baby head trauma. COMMON: Go the whole 9 yards. SCIENTIFIC: Displace by 8.2296 meters. COMMON: You are in way over your head. SCIENTIFIC: Anatomically speaking, you are likely upside down. COMMON: You spilled the beans. SCIENTIFIC: Entropy went up. COMMON: A little bird told me… SCIENTIFIC: Whilst under the influence of psychedelic hallucinogens… COMMON: Everything…