By daledobson

Dale Dobson writes, animates and acts in the metropolitan Detroit area, and occasionally gets around to updating http://www.daledobson.com. His work has recently appeared online at Yankee Pot Roast, Opium, National Lampoon, and in The Wittenburg Door.

I.D. ON THE STAND

A retelling of Kitzmiller vs. Dover Area School District,with apologies to Ernest L. Thayer The outlook wasn’t brilliant ‘neath that Pennsylvania sky: The courts stood N to zip before the new case here to try. Creationism in the schools had died a legal death, And now as Rothschild rose, Gishville IDers held their breath. The Pandas text was soon invoked in early draft. The I- D faithful clung to dogma calling evolution lie. They thought, “If only Behe could shore up this house of sand — We’d get it in the classroom yet, with Behe on the stand.” But Gillen…

AN ANTHROPOLOGICAL ANALYSIS CIRCA 3005

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – In reviewing the University’s ancient imagery archives, I was astounded and pleased to discover an interesting, albeit short, fragment of 20th-century photomechanical film. Apparently produced at some time in the late 1900’s, it depicts a brief but fascinating moment in the lives of three young humans of the time. The footage lasts a mere thirty seconds; it begins with three young, primitive boys seated around a table, apparently in the early morning hours judging from the angle and color of the natural light filtering in through the window (image analysis corrected for United States’ average…

THE LONELY STRUGGLE OF THE POLITICIZED ARTEMIA SALINA*

This pool, this salty shrine, This place from whence all good things come — This is my home. Like all of you, I bask and breed And swim from day to day; I juggle eggs and food, Absorb the sunlight when I can, And rarely take the time to think and brood Upon that larger world, This gulf ‘twixt shrimp and man. But now, at last, I rise to speech and action, Driven by injustice grave and dark. For evil doth intrude upon our tranquil pond, And must no longer pass thus unremarked. “Sea Monkeys,” humans say, and in so…

PRACTICAL COROLLARIES TO HEISENBERG’S UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE

The Cocktail Corollary No personal opinion may be freely expressed until a preliminary assessment of the listeners’ related opinions has been completed. The Sartorial Corollary The fashion value of any wardrobe-related purchase cannot be measured by its originator. The Trailer Corollary A motion picture’s true qualities cannot be measured until a ticket has been purchased, at which point opinion of the film will exist in an indeterminate state until the credits roll or the instrumentation leaves the theatre. The Flirtation Corollary No flirtatious comment or salacious remark may be unambiguously stated before the receptiveness of its target has been confirmed.…

I.D. ON THE STAND

A retelling of Kitzmiller vs. Dover Area School District,with apologies to Ernest L. Thayer The outlook wasn’t brilliant ‘neath that Pennsylvania sky: The courts stood N to zip before the new case here to try. Creationism in the schools had died a legal death, And now as Rothschild rose, Gishville IDers held their breath. The Pandas text was soon invoked in early draft. The I- D faithful clung to dogma calling evolution lie. They thought, “If only Behe could shore up this house of sand — We’d get it in the classroom yet, with Behe on the stand.” But Gillen…

LET I = GLORIA GAYNOR

In its initial state, I is a member of the set {afraid, petrified}. Hypothesis: U is a necessary condition for I. Under the initial assumptions, we may consider that IU == U, for values of I near 1 and large values of U. However, integrating the function I / (U multiplied by differential di/dm * ewrong) over the range [night1…nightn], I grows strong for moderately large values of n as di/dm * ewrong approaches infinity, reducing the influence of U and allowing I to carry on. As U reaches the limit thus imposed, its initial stratospheric values are iteratively modified…

2,501,985 B.C.

An evolutionary pop song, to the tune of 1985, with apologies to “Bowling for Soup.” (includes audio) Australopithecus Looked a bit like us Had a smaller skull Was relatively dull Its life was day to day Just tryin’ to make its way We’d call it ape-man It had no way to plan It was gonna be successful It was gonna change and grow It was gonna send its kids To populate the globe Its novel upright stance Gave rise to speech and dance It had an average life But so much Has been So right since A species in slo-mo…

AN ANTHROPOLOGICAL ANALYSIS CIRCA 3005

In reviewing the University’s ancient imagery archives, I was astounded and pleased to discover an interesting, albeit short, fragment of 20th-century photomechanical film. Apparently produced at some time in the late 1900’s, it depicts a brief but fascinating moment in the lives of three young humans of the time. The footage lasts a mere thirty seconds; it begins with three young, primitive boys seated around a table, apparently in the early morning hours judging from the angle and color of the natural light filtering in through the window (image analysis corrected for United States’ average pollution levels of the era;…