Mondo-Genetic-Services is proud to announce its latest venture, “The Bestest, Most Kick Ass, Human Genome Project.” Hot on the tails of the International Human Genome Sequencing Consortium and Celera Genomics, we present to you a novel approach in the elucidation of mankind’s blueprint of life. Rather than using the frequently studied yet boring human cell lines, or samples from a small group of ethnically diverse, anonymous, and likely dull individuals, we propose a completely different strategy – that is, we plan to use the genomes of individuals handpicked by the editorial staff of People magazine, a move we feel will…
The Science Creative Quarterly
From humour
5 HOT SCIENCE-Y GUYS
1. Sir Martin Rees I don’t know if this guy’s straight or gay, and I don’t care. He’s got a certain polished appeal going on, and he’s the freaking Astronomer Royal for crying out loud. What does that mean, you ask? How does that make him any more special than any other astronomer besides the Royal part? Well, look, if I have to explain that, it would mean one of us would have to do some research. And I’m tired. I just got in from a party. But I do know that this guy’s been busy studying multi-universes and I…
HOW I GOT OUT OF WRITING AN ESSAY ON H.G. WELL’S THE TIME MACHINE.
January 17, 2005 I received the syllabus for my Humanities course. A humanities course should not be required for my B.Sc degree in Physics. To add insult to injury, we are supposed to do an analysis of Well’s The Time Machine. We are to focus on the historical context when the topic is time travel? Who reads a book on a time machine for social insights? I would do anything to get out of this essay. At dinner, my friends complained about this assignment. I tell them a way out: I will build a time machine. They mocked me, but…
TRASH TALKIN’ AT THE AQUARIUM
Wut up, tortoise? You think you’re all that ’cause you can swim really well and stuff? Well, sorry to disappoint you, son, but I can swim really well, too. Sucka. I need to wear water wings, on account I’m scared of deep water, but that’s still swimming. So bite me, fool. Ooo, shark, what big sharp teeth you have! Too bad four out of five dentists think you’re a doophis. Boo-ya! “Arf! Arf! Look at me: I’m a big fat sea lion! I can wave hello with my big fat flipper and spin a beach ball on my big fat…
LEAKED DEPARTMENT OF INTERIOR MEMO THAT REMOVES AMERICAN SCIENTIST FROM ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST
Department of the Interior Internal Report (Committee Level) Date: Feb. 16, 2009 Subject: Determination of Endangered/Threatened Status Species: The American Scientist (Homo Scientius Americanus) Recommendation: Upgrade from Endangered to Threatened Background/History: For the past eight years, the noble American Scientist has teetered on the brink of total extinction. Over-hunted by religious groups and faced with continued encroachment upon their natural habitat from local school boards, American Scientists retreated to a last few protected ecosystems at a handful of research universities. Although it was long thought that large endowments and the tenure system would preserve these habitats indefinitely, the introduction of…
STEM CELL RESEARCH (AS IMAGINED BY ITS OPPONENTS)
I. THE HEADQUARTERS OF SCIENCE (EUROPE) – Hand me the abortion elixir. – But – but Master, it has yet to finish bubbling. – What in the Darwin?! Here, hold another burning Bible below it. It usually takes three or four. – But why can’t we use these perfectly suitable adult stem cells? I have an entire briefcase right here. – Because if we cure these diseases, then we’ll be out of business for good! That’s why! – I’m so glad you have no common sense. – Yes, I am extremely arrogant. I refuse to accept anything not in a…
A MISPLACED CHAPTER FROM THE BOOK OF GENESIS
And lo, it came to be that God was sitting around in his Lazy-God recliner one quiet millennium, and He sayeth unto His Godlike self: “God is bored and needs some entertainment.” And lo, God created the Earth and all it’s inhabitants without getting up from the Lazy-God chair, even whence God needed the occasional short beer break while working, still He did not leave His chair, but simply reached into His Almighty Demi-God Fridge which He always keepeth beside the Lazy-God chair. Late in the week, as one Godlike afternoon twinkled into evening, God looketh down upon His new…
DESCENT OF DOG
Samson shivered in the early morning chill, jingling the chain joining his collar and leash. The sun was a big orange food bowl hanging low on the horizon, bathing the neighborhood in its warm glow. Most of the residents were still in bed at this hour, but a few dotted the sidewalks with their best friends in tow. Samson led his best friend a few blocks to the park. It was the first Sunday of the month, which meant Pug Day. Many breeds of dogs came to the park, but the overwhelming majority today would be Pugs, the flat, wrinkled-face…
OPEN LETTER TO THE KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD.
I am writing you with much concern after I read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design to be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design. Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that…