STEM CELL RESEARCH (AS IMAGINED BY ITS OPPONENTS)
– Hand me the abortion elixir.
– But – but Master, it has yet to finish bubbling.
– What in the Darwin?! Here, hold another burning Bible below it. It usually
takes three or four.
– But why can’t we use these perfectly suitable adult stem cells? I have an
entire briefcase right here.
– Because if we cure these diseases, then we’ll be out of business for good!
That’s why!
– I’m so glad you have no common sense.
– Yes, I am extremely arrogant. I refuse to accept anything not in a textbook.
– Dolly Almighty, did you see this fax? It’s from Hollywood. A rush order for
three thousand more designer baby arms!
– Well, this is certainly the first time I’ve supported the right to bare arms!
– Oh, Master!
– Thanks for inviting me to this science sex party.
– You’re so funny. You are my sex slave that I cloned from stem cells.
– What?! That can’t be true.
– Look at your feet. You are still standing in the petri dish.
– I’m a – I’m a clone? How did you –
– I needed but a single human hair, just like in Superman IV. Movies are
completely accurate portrayals of modern science.
– Why would you do this to me?
– Because I am a scientist and it is my job to hurt people.
– This water from the Playboy Grotto – it isn’t getting me wet.
– That’s because I made you water-resistant, so you could never be baptized!
How’s that for intelligent design!
– You scientific bastard!
– We have a situation.
– What is it?
– Well, when we were growing the soulless babies for spare parts–
– Yes?
– …
– Out with it, damn it!
– Well, we found something – something science can’t explain.
– Destroy it. Destroy it, immediately.
– But Professor Luciferre –
– Immediately.