By Jason Silverstein

Jason Silverstein's writing has recently appeared in McSweeney's Internet Tendency and the British Journal of Haematology. In recognition of Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month, he'd like to forgo the customary humorous blurb and ask that you, kind reader, consider supporting the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network at www.pancan.org.

STEM CELL RESEARCH (AS IMAGINED BY ITS OPPONENTS)

I. THE HEADQUARTERS OF SCIENCE (EUROPE) – Hand me the abortion elixir. – But – but Master, it has yet to finish bubbling. – What in the Darwin?! Here, hold another burning Bible below it. It usually takes three or four. – But why can’t we use these perfectly suitable adult stem cells? I have an entire briefcase right here. – Because if we cure these diseases, then we’ll be out of business for good! That’s why! – I’m so glad you have no common sense. – Yes, I am extremely arrogant. I refuse to accept anything not in a…

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