HEADS UP: RAMEN
(In which we present this piece to acknowledge that a bevy of FSM contest pieces will soon be presented in the upcoming weeks. This, of course, includes the one that will win $100 worth of Ramen noodles)
In the beginning, there was nothing. What happened thereafter has come under great debate, until now. Recent archeological finds and the forefront of scientific discoveries have aligned to reveal to us that He created all. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is set apart from average deities and is certainly not your average flash-in-the-frying-pan David Koresh or Heaven’s Gate Doctrine. No, as the logical arguments that follow will prove, we all have been constructed in the image of His Noodly Appendage and our technology hinges upon gifts He revealed to us in His weaker moments.
The historical evidence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster abounds. Recently discovered noodles show just how far back we have been creating and eating mana from Him. The Chinese have uncovered a bowl of noodles four thousand years old. The Arabic peoples claim noodle consumption for three thousand years and the Europeans did not exist without noodles with which to whet their palettes. For it was believed, millennia ago that to make Him present required one of the most holiest of skills—boiling water. It was through this magical process of heating water that one could perform transubstantiation on grain-based dry noodles and produce His essence.
The mere fusion of meat with grain shows that He is Complete in knowing of all things and an expert in Carne Knowledge.
Indeed, unity is seen in the Flying Spaghetti Monster as all grains can take the holy shape of long life giving strands. Regardless of color, texture or heartiness, any grain can be used to produce the base of The Dish which permeates all of our souls. In this, we see that The Flying Spaghetti Monster has created all equally.
With recent research done in string theory, we can prove that we all have been constructed—on a very basic level—to look like Our Dish Most Holy. Super strings reveal to us the unifying and binding miracle of life that He has breathed into us. Every atom of our being is made of quarks which are in turn made of tiny strings vibrating towards spaghettidom. Popular physicists like Brian Greene have been chosen as the prophets of this new revelation. His message is clear! He is with us at the quantum level! This is the final noodly link between the electromagnetic and nuclear forces of science!
Gödel failed to account for spaghetti in his Incompleteness Theorem. Newton never dropped noodles on his head—had he done so he would have discovered they slide off and defy gravity. Einstein could never explain the amount of energy one gets from consuming hallowed spaghetti. This is why these brilliant men failed to recognize His Power. And I will close with evidence that He is with us even through poetry. The following ancient haiku reveals how revered The Flying Spaghetti Monster truly is:
connected from end to end.