Patrick McCarthy, a pre-medical student, who previously referred to his general chemistry lab requirement as “the dumbest thing [he’s] ever heard of,” has discovered the cure for cancer, Nature News reports.

McCarthy, 22, discovered a special class of polyphenolics during last Monday’s extraction of the compounds from apples, says John Strova, a sixth-year graduate teaching assistant.

“The students were required to complete an extraction of the antioxidants and complete a calibration curve to determine phenol activity,” Strova told the Associated Press. “Pat’s research results were mind-blowing. I didn’t even know this level of antioxidant activity was possible. But there’s an Excel chart to prove it.”

Remarkably, the soon-to-be legendary paper, “Make-Up Lab Report: Apple Charts,” was accepted late as McCarthy “had a bunch of stuff due that day,” according to a forwarded e-mail from lab instructor, Dr. Ted Bialt.

“When Pat showed up to class wearing full surgical scrubs, I knew he was a serious student. So, when he told me that he had two tests and a shadowing opportunity with a local surgeon, I took him at his word,” Bialt said. “I’m glad I did,” Bialt added, looking far into the distance. “I’m glad I did.”

“I’m still not sure how to put this on my resume,” said McCarthy, who recently updated his page. “I just hope I don’t get screwed because I’m not a URM [under-represented minority]. OK, honestly, I only got a 23 on the MCAT, but you’ve got to understand that I was sick and my grandmother died last year. AdComs love that sort of personal trauma stuff. I just wish I had a brother that died or something. So, yeah, curing cancer should go a long way, or whatever.”

McCarthy’s discovery has attracted international media attention from the scientific community, who hail the discovery as a watershed moment for the study of cancers, immune disorders, and age-related neurodegeneration. However, the discovery comes not without significant controversy.

In today’s edition of Science magazine, Jen Clark, McCarthy’s lab partner, published a critique entitled “Getting the Ethics Straight in Apple Lab Reports.” In her essay, Clark contends she completed the “grinding and filtering of the apple” while “[McCarthy] just explained the difference between long and short white coats to that dumb slutty girl, Christina, who’s just doing this until she gets to Orgo, then we’ll see who gets weeded out. Bitch.”

Despite competing offers from Harvard and McGill, McCarthy laughed off suggestions of a doctoral program. “But I want to help people,” McCarthy said with a shrug.