THE CHIMERA FILES: WHEN DOGGIE MET KITTY (PUN HEAVY VERSION)
“Woman Claims Puppies Were Born To Cat; Says Neighborhood Mutt Impregnated Feline“-Reuters
Doggy: Before Ms. Pretty Kitty? I ran with a tough pack of stray dogs. I was always out chasing tail—usually my own.
Kitty: In my strict Siamese family, we were discouraged from dating outside the breed—never mind outside the species!
Doggy: When I first saw her, my heart went into heat—but she thought I was just in it for the chase.
Kitty: I was like, “Down boy! You’re barking up the wrong family tree.” I don’t want to be anybody’s weird fetish-I am not into “kitty porn.” I was raised to believe that dogs were only interested in humping legs and sniffing butt.
Doggy: To which I said, “Hey-don’t knock it ’til you try it!”
Kitty: He kept on hounding me! Just when I thought I’d heard every cat-call in the world, it took a dog-howl to get me feeling frisky.
Doggy: When we first started going out, we’d pretend fight just to keep our forbidden romance a secret. I’d growl, she’d hiss…then, when no one was looking, we’d lick.
Kitty: I suspected that his bark was worse than his bite, but his kiss…his kiss was even more devastating.
Doggy: I have a really long tongue…I’d bath her with it.
Kitty: My so-called friends weren’t happy about who I was dating. It was hard not to take it purr-sonally. They were so—and I hate this expression—catty! They said I liked it “ruff,” that I wanted it “doggy style…” And don’t get me started on what female dogs said to me-they were such bitches!
Doggy: My dogs called it puppy love, which was technically true. They said I was me pussy-cat whipped, which, again, I guess was true. I thought they were hypocrites-if there was no miscegenation, most of those mutts would’ve never been born!
Kitty: The discrimination we faced was so species-ist. The claws were really out for us. But I’d take one look into his puppy-dog eyes, and I knew it was all worth it. I wanted to spend each and every one of my nine lives with him.
Doggy: We talked about adopting kids, maybe one puppy and one kitten, but then this miracle pregnancy happened.
Kitty: Even my own veterinarian didn’t believe me when I told him that I hadn’t had sex with any other cats. DogCat faced even more skepticism than TomKat….
Doggy: Tabloid stories questioned my kids’ paternity, calling them “Four-legged Freaks,” “Crossbreed clones”…Yeah. I’ve seen the newspaper headlines, and I’ve pissed all over them…
Kitty: I didn’t mind that the litter was born with dog and cat features. I didn’t care what they were…dogs, cats, both, whatever! Just as long as they were healthy, with a fine coat of fur, four legs, and a firm tail.
Doggy: When I heard the little one say “BowMeow”-I was in tears. I’d never felt this way before- I thought it might’ve been allergies…I just though, “BowMeow”—that’s us…We’re the BowMeows.
Kitty: We had argued a little about the names before they were born. He wanted a family name like Fido or Rex…Ultimately we decided to give them names that reflected their mixed heritage. The shy one’s Kuppy, the scrappy one’s Pitten, and this troublemaker is Snoopfield!
Doggy: Sure, we’ve both had to make some lifestyle adjustments to accommodate our children’s uniqueness.
Kitty: The litter box sure is heavy!
Doggy: We want our kids to be “dat” and proud. We’ll raise them in both canine and feline traditions, and teach them that love is the most powerful force of nature there is…
Kitty: Although I don’t know what either one of us would do if one of them came home with a mouse!
Doggy: Sure, I worry about them getting stared at and made fun of, both at the dogrun and on the catwalk… Every father wants to protect his runts. But even though they’ll have their ups and downs, ultimately, they’ll land on their feet.
Kitty: They get that from my side of the family.