Dear Animal Empathizer,

It’s a scene that’d be shocking if it wasn’t all too common: An innocent baby seal is stalked, murdered, its skull crushed, its bloodied body used and abused for nefarious purposes. But the perpetrator of this heinous hate crime isn’t a furrier or poacher, protected from punishment by a right-wing “population control” zealot: This serial killer of seals is a polar bear, and it’s being protected by you.

Animal Wrongs.

It’s the taboo topic we in the animal rights movement never dare discuss-too radical even for the radicals. Yet animal on animal violence kills more creatures each year than hunting and scientific experimentation combined. Sure, it’s easier-and more fun- to bust-up university laboratories and throw blood on models wearing fur at fashion shows and protest fast-food chains while wearing chicken costumes —but what about addressing the genocide going on in the animal community?

There’s a war going on.

And I’m not talking about about the war in Iraq or Afghanistan. I’m talking about a battle that’s gone on longer than the East Coast-West Coast hip-hop feud and Israel-Palestine conflict—the sibling rivalry among Mother Nature’s animal children.

But now, it’s “tough love time.”

Yes, folks: Our collective Dr. Doolittle needs some Dr. Phil. We can’t go on any longer without addressing the rampant hate crime going on amongst the earth’s creatures and still call ourselves activists.

There’s pacifism, and then there’s passivity. Critics may recite cliché about “nature’s way,” but although making Earth’s cannibalistic carnivores ‘go vegan’ will definitely be a challenge, it’s also our moral imperative.

Even lions have options; violence is taught to them by the jungle culture. If these so-called savage beasts can learn to take the ‘die’ out of their diet, they could soon be enjoying a vegetarian meal of grass alongside grazing gazelles, instead of tearing apart their flesh and devouring it greedily.

And no, it’s not just about the jungle; the forest and the ocean are also rampant with serial killers killing other serial killers. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Would female praying mantises devour the males after mating if they had the option of couples counseling? With education, they can be taught not to ashamed of their insexuality.

And have we even considered that perhaps mosquitoes are bloodsuckers by NURTURE? How do we know they’re not just looking for a pleasant place to perch and rest their weary wings, until they’re forced to bite and suck after we reach out to violently swat them instead of giving them hugs?

Here’s how you can help.

We’ll need your financial support, of course. Although times are tight, things are even worse in the animal economy. Many animals have no cash at all.

Where will your money go?

• Bumper stickers, t-shirts and buttons (sample slogans: “He’s not my supper, he’s my brother” , “She’s not my dinner, she’s my sister” and “I don’t want endangered feces.”) to be distributed and applied humanely among and on animal influencers. Placement on celebrity animals is particularly desirable. (George Clooney’s pet pig would’ve been ideal, if it wasn’t dead.)

• Food drives. It’s going to take a lot of cans of creamed corn in order to convince a hungry polar bear to pass up eating an adorable baby seal-even I assume they must be delicious!

• Scientific research. I know, I know, an often-abused phrase and common alibi for animal torture. However, if engineering a two-ton tofu treat is what it takes to prevent a bear from dining on a deer, can you really put a price on that?

• Billboards featuring Pamela Anderson nude. I forget exactly why this helps, but isn’t it interesting how she went from being a sex symbol for straight guys to being a sex symbol for gay guys?

• Getting The Discovery Channel and other snuff films euphemistically referred to as “nature documentaries” taken off of the air, because there’s a direct causal link between violence on television and violence in nature.

Sound crazy?

Maybe. But many people condescendingly excused cavemen for wearing wooly mammoth fur, before my influential pamphlet “Ice Age Nudist,” and now it’s taken as a given that it was just as wrong then as it is now. I can also remember a time-not long ago I’m ashamed to say-when many of us animal lovers thought nothing of downing handfuls of Animal Crackers and Vegan Gummi Worms before adding foodstuff that even signified that it was of animal origin to our list of dietary no-nos.

Surely, our movement faces many obstacles, not the least of which are “nature’s baser “instincts.” It’s going to take a lot of protests, op-ed pieces and (most importantly) blogging to get this point across to all species, but it’s time to stop the murder among our furry, finned and feathered friends. Let’s increase the peace amongst the beasts. Let’s take the pain out of their food chain. Lets make the killer instinct extinct. Won’t someone save these animals from themselves?


Trevor Treehouse
Anibassador, United Natures

P.S. The revolution has already started…on-line! Join my Facebook group “Stop Animal On Animal Violence Now!