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The 2015 Candy Hierarchy defines the quality ranking of all known candies (minus those that were not ranked). It’s really easy to analyze too. We did it. Here are the results. They reveal a natural law of those who identify as Friday people and Sunday people, which holds across time and space at a stable 2-to-1 ratio or, 66/33, or, .5/.25 depending on how many characters are left In your tweet. It confirms that Friday people are better. Suck it Sunday.
1. More respondents identified as Friday people than Sunday people. Friday: 66.8% (3068/4593), Sunday: 33.2% (1525/4593).
2. Friday people are significantly younger than Sunday people (t(4372)=-5.97, p< .0001). Friday mean age=35.7, Sunday mean age=37.8. Note: only observations whose mean age was between 6 and 99 (inclusive) were used in the analysis.
3. Black Jacks bring joy to more Sunday people than Friday people (χ2(1, N=3853)=13.51, p=.0002). Friday: 5.95% (154/2588), Sunday: 9.17% (116/1265).
4. Creepy religious comics bring joy to more Sunday people than Friday people (χ2(1, N=4401)=5.14, p=.0233). Friday: 7.80% (229/2935), Sunday: 9.82% (144/1466).
5. Licorice brings joy to more Sunday people than Friday people (χ2(1, N=4365)=7.59, p=.0059). Friday: 26.68% (779/2920), Sunday: 30.66% (443/1445).
6. Lollipops bring joy to more Friday people than Sunday people (χ2(1, N=4198)=6.12, p=.0133). Friday: 47.70% (1337/2803), Sunday: 43.66% (609/1395).
7. Senior Mints bring joy to more Friday people than Sunday people (χ2(1, N=3901)=4.54, p=.0331). Friday: 14.37% (378/2630), Sunday: 11.88% (151/1271).
8. Rolos bring joy to more Sunday people than Friday people (χ2(1, N=4306)=4.23, p=.0398). Friday: 75.42% (2166/2872), Sunday: 78.24% (1122/1434).
9. Smarties (Commonwealth) bring joy to more Sunday people than Friday people (χ2(1, N=3881)=3.91, p=.0479). Friday: 33.36% (864/2590), Sunday: 36.56% (472/1291).
Obviously this was quite a fishing expedition. We didn’t make any corrections for multiple comparisons because we’re not submitting this for peer-reviewed publication and corrections for multiple comparisons is SUCH a Sunday thing to do. #teamfriday. Also, we only here present data in which p<.05. There are a few more “marginally” significant results, but we didn’t want to push things given the previous point. You know, how this is a fishing expedition. On to the questionably-legitimate results. First, let’s consider the fact that the Friday-to-Sunday identification follows an almost exact 2:1 ratio, henceforth to be termed the “Platinum Ratio”. Apparently, “Golden Ratio” was already taken. We think we have a legit phenomenon here. Second, people lie about their age. Big time. Oh yeah, you’re *totally* 200,587 years old. You don’t look a day over 100k. 2000 years old? Maybe. 100 to 490? More plausible. Either way, we kicked them out of that analysis. Apologies to legit centenarians, Neanderthals, and Highlanders. The candy preferences? We think it’s patently obvious that Sunday people are wet blankets. #teamfriday. This may have something to do with their advanced years, but we’re not ready to make that call. I mean, Black Jacks, Licorice, and Commonwealth Smarties? Let’s face it: remember that dad who would gladly eat all of the gross candy you acquired from lame people? Quintessential Sunday person. Throw-in a creepy religious comic, and you’ve got the human equivalent of a monster truck show: Sunday! Sunday!! Sunday!!! Conversely, Friday people are young and vibrant, sucking on lollipops, merrily skipping along with their whole awesome lives ahead of them. #teamfriday. They’re hanging out with their beautiful, smart friends in Montauk making witty Carlinian/Seinfeldian observations, like “There are junior mints, but no senior mints. What’s up with that?” Man, they’re so cool. If Taylor Swift and her buddies aren’t Friday people, then we don’t know what’s real anymore. We can’t explain the Rolo thing. Rolos are delicious, full-stop. #teamfriday. QED.