A friend of mine sent me the web address to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and upon reviewing the site, I found the call for submissions for evidence of the FSM. I have been trained as a geologist and have become very suspicious of many current religions. However, after reading the ideas and theology of FSM, I am convinced that this church has the answers to many of the scientific problems I deal with in my professional career. The following is the evidence I have collected that undeniably proves the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The facts speak for themselves and I must now count myself “Touched by His Noodly Appendage!”
I work with the physical properties of rivers and during those investigations I have observed on many occasions, the curvature of stream and river channels in distinct patterns, called meanders. These patterns can be observed in the Mississippi River, in small streams of water moving over the ground, and even in the Gulf Stream itself. These patterns are very similar to those made by His Noodly Appendages. Water organizes itself into these patterns due to “helical flow”, but it has yet been determined exactly how helical flow causes the regularity of the patterns. Upon careful elimination of all other factors, I theorize that the meander patterns are direct effects of His Noodly Appendages control of the water. I also suggest that helical flow be renamed to ‘Noodical’ flow to better characterize the control on the system.
The age of the Earth has been calculated in part by radiogenic decay using the Uranium decay series, to an age of 4.6 billion years old. It is commonly observed that on the banks of rivers, sediment with radiogenic particles will date to a much younger age than the sediment currently being transported by the river. Many scientists assume the radioactive decay of atoms to occur at constant rate, but if decay was faster in the beginning and then progressively slowed through time, the Earth could be incorrectly calculated to be older through these dating techniques. If we assume that ‘Noodical’ flow is caused by a high concentration of Noodly Appendages (i.e. due to the creator being present at the beginning of time), then the total radioactive decay in these locations would be at a greater rate than in other areas not experiencing ‘Noodical’ flow. This can be measured by the current model of radioactive decay:
Where N is the number of particles, N0 is the original number of particles, e is the natural exponential constant, lambda is the radioactive decay constant, and t is time. Therefore, the difference in age between the banks of rivers and the transported sediment in the river is likely attributed to the increase of ‘Noodical’ flow in the stream channel. It can then be assumed that if ‘Noodical’ flow increases, the age of the sediment also increases based upon current radiogenic decay models. If He was more involved with the planet during the beginnings it can be assumed that Noodly Appendages came into a greater amount of contact with matter and radiogenic particles causing them to accelerate their decay and appear much older than they really are.
Mass extinctions have been found in the rock record and are cited as evidence for the age of the Earth. I propose here that it also provides compelling evidence to prove the Pirate Global Warming theory. If He is angry at those who do not dress as pirates, then it is conceivable that organisms prior the advent of humans – organism who did not apparently dress up like pirates – would have been targeted for destruction. This is suported by the multitude of mass extinction events that were sudden and can only be attributed to the swift, violent action of an angry Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was not until He created humans that this cycle of creation and destruction ended (albeit temporarily). It is important to note that this theory is clearly substantiated by the lack of pirate garb in the rock record, proving convincely that prior creations tended their own fate by refusing to wear puffy shirts and dubloons. Finally, and as an end note, this also constitutes a warning to our society that if future generations continue to refuse pirate attire, then our very survival as a species will be put into jeopardy.