* * * (REPRINTED FROM ISSUE ONE, APRIL 11th, 2005)

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Mondo-Genetic-Services is proud to announce its latest venture, “The Bestest, Most Kick Ass, Human Genome Project.” Hot on the tails of the International Human Genome Sequencing Consortium and Celera Genomics, we present to you a novel approach in the elucidation of mankind’s blueprint of life. Rather than using the frequently studied yet boring human cell lines, or samples from a small group of ethnically diverse, anonymous, and likely dull individuals, we propose a completely different strategy – that is, we plan to use the genomes of individuals handpicked by the editorial staff of People magazine,…

– FROM THE ARCHIVES – January 17, 2005 I received the syllabus for my Humanities course. A humanities course should not be required for my B.Sc degree in Physics. To add insult to injury, we are supposed to do an analysis of Well’s The Time Machine. We are to focus on the historical context when the topic is time travel? Who reads a book on a time machine for social insights? I would do anything to get out of this essay. At dinner, my friends complained about this assignment. I tell them a way out: I will build a time…

SARAH: Daddy, were you in the shower? DAD: Yes, I was in the shower. SARAH: Why? DAD: I was dirty. The shower gets me clean. SARAH: Why? DAD: Why does the shower get me clean? SARAH: Yes. DAD: Because the water washes the dirt away when I use soap. SARAH: Why? DAD: Why do I use soap? SARAH: Yes. DAD: Because the soap grabs the dirt and lets the water wash it off. SARAH: Why? DAD: Why does the soap grab the dirt? SARAH: Yes. DAD: Because soap is a surfactant. SARAH: Why? DAD: Why is soap a surfactant? SARAH:…

Wut up, tortoise? You think you’re all that ’cause you can swim really well and stuff? Well, sorry to disappoint you, son, but I can swim really well, too. Sucka. I need to wear water wings, on account I’m scared of deep water, but that’s still swimming. So bite me, fool. Ooo, shark, what big sharp teeth you have! Too bad four out of five dentists think you’re a doophis. Boo-ya! “Arf! Arf! Look at me: I’m a big fat sea lion! I can wave hello with my big fat flipper and spin a beach ball on my big fat…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Papa Lion (Carl) First off, that tree we were lying around in the shade by, that wasn’t even our tree. The producers literally brought in that tree and told us it was going to be our new tree. They said our tree—the tree we’ve lay under for years—“didn’t have a river view” and was “a little smaller than what we were looking for.” This was all said to me in front of my kids, I might add. Real class act that Discovery Channel! Just like any family we like to have our place look clean,…

– FROM THE ARCHIVES – May 8th, 1988 I encounter science for the first time during recess. As my friends and I are busy using the magnifying lens that Billy Stewart had gotten for his eighth birthday to burn some sticks, she breaks off from the pack of girls she usually travels around the schoolyard with to tell me that she likes my shoes. I don’t understand how anyone could possibly dislike my shoes as they are brand new and have little zippered compartments where I have carefully secreted away the coins I will later use to buy myself some…