I. The ability of the common gray squirrel to act both as a particle and as a wave is a trait commonly observed yet not often remarked upon. Any human observer of this species will most likely perceive only the physical, or particle, behaviors of this alluring creature, and forgo its unusual and unsubstantiated (literally) wave properties. Of course, any scientist with half a brain, given that this half still holds the basic capabilities of reasoning and an extension to allow the half-brained individual an output of his/her perceptions, will know [and be able to state (or at least output) as such] that any wave requires a substance of some sort to pass through in the form of a disturbance. I give you the lush grasses of Vassar College, the Vassarian Fields, if you will, as a prime example of a substance favorable toward the visible light wavelength disturbances of Sciurus carolinenesis.
Now, in leaping directly to the wave properties of this most bizarre creature, I am assuming a common understanding of the particle traits visible to the ordinary and unscientific (and rather scruffy-looking, not to mention uneducated) average person. In presuming this understanding, I am obviously directing this essay towards only the most scientifically-minded and 2non-smelly person. If you are not one of this category, I most sincerely and arrogantly insist that you cease to continue the reading of this paper as your head will surely implode.
On continuing, I now address the remaining “better-half” of society in stating my most modest attempt at an understanding of these wave-particle squirrel phenomena. In observing this species, one will immediately notice the odd, strangely undulating motion of any typical and readily observable example of this creature. This up-and down motion is a direct result of what I will choose to call the Vassaria Strategia, something on which I may go into more detail in a later paper, but will probably let stay as is due to my pride in the scientific seeming of the word, and the fact that any attempt to clarify my meaning of this phrase would come off as sounding rather far-fetched and long-winded.
II. At this point I impress upon the reader the importance of actual physical interaction with some member(s) of this species; only through direct observation of these traits will the full realization of squirrel wave-particle duality come about.
On stamping the ground or making a sudden rushing movement, similar to the sudden rushing movements of one of the more common predators of this animal, such as the common 3hungry 4student near one of the aforementioned rodents, a close look at the head of the beastie in flight will display the up-and-down motion of the frontal half of squirrel, while the mid-section flows up-and-down in opposition to the timing of the first. Finally, the tail, or tail section, moves up-and-down in accordance with the frontal half, and, to reiterate, in direct opposition to the mid-section. This, of course, leads to the overall effect of wave-motion in the movements of the disturbed squirrel. But what motive causes the movement of these waves? After all, some prime mover must be the origin of this ripple in the fields, this transfer of Vassaria Strategia of which our eyes claim evidence.
I now humbly suggest to the objective reader a prime mover of squirrelkind, a god of sorts that can be labeled as the origin of all squirrel-related movement, thus linking the seeming duality between the particle and wave properties. This 5god lives at the edges of the universe; his tail 6fibers spread far and wide across all dimensions of time and space, thus connecting squirrelkind. His movements are the prime mover of the small squirrel ripple disturbances you may see undulating across fields and up trees. Other superfluous movements created by the individual squirrels in reaction to the movements of other animals are also causes of disturbances in this substance. Any vigorous activity near an example of said creature will result in a disturbance in the fibers and a consequent ripple effect of the squirrel’s reflected wave movement bouncing across space/time in the opposite direction of the disturbance.
There is also a proposed “bending effect” of the field, which has proven to be reactive towards bread, seeds, and other 7desiccated edibles. In throwing a small portion of this matter at any solid ground near the eastern gray, the subsequent disturbance will produce an effect perceivable in the visible-light range of humans; the area will become a 8vortex in the matter of space/time, tearing open a tiny portion of the mighty squirrel god’s tail fibers and drawing into it any nearby squirrels in a natural effect to fill the gap in the fibers with any available squirrel-matter.
I leave it now to the reader to go forth and test my own hypothesis; the observations you make will incline you more to my viewpoint than what my words alone can say.
1. common gray squirrel.
2. most people.
3. or, more commonly, terrified of college food.
4. see “slacker,” or one with quality of “slack.” (n.)
5. figment of my imagination.
6. see “string theory.”
7. see “college food.”
8. this sucks