By Matt Sullivan

Matt Sullivan’s humor has appeared in Salon, McSweeney’s, The Onion and Black Book.

STOP ANIMAL VIOLENCE NOW!

Dear Animal Empathizer, It’s a scene that’d be shocking if it wasn’t all too common: An innocent baby seal is stalked, murdered, its skull crushed, its bloodied body used and abused for nefarious purposes. But the perpetrator of this heinous hate crime isn’t a furrier or poacher, protected from punishment by a right-wing “population control” zealot: This serial killer of seals is a polar bear, and it’s being protected by you. Animal Wrongs. It’s the taboo topic we in the animal rights movement never dare discuss-too radical even for the radicals. Yet animal on animal violence kills more creatures each…