A couple of weeks ago I was stuck at home with pneumonia, and one afternoon, after one part or other of the Lord of the Rings trilogy finished, I found myself face to face with Maury Povich. Merciful heavens. I have never seen a more wretched hive of scum and villainy, and I ran a community theatre for over twenty years.

It was almost enough to make one abandon one’s belief in Intelligent Design. I mean, really, who could think that an intelligent force would design creatures capable of those kinds of choices? In one sitting, I saw a woman fail a lie detector test and thus be proven a multiple adulterer; a woman confess to her fiancé that she was having an affair with her female neighbor; and a woman dying of colon cancer confess to her boyfriend that she’d been unfaithful more than 100 times and couldn’t be sure that their two children were his. I missed the segment where a man confessed to his wife that he made pocket money as a male prostitute, but that’s probably just as well.

There ain’t nothing intelligent in the incredibly untidy lives these people have lived, nor in their insane compulsion to confess their missteps, nor to do so on national television. If one were looking for patterns that betrayed the presence of an Intelligent Designer, one would not find it on Maury Povich. Quite the contrary.

I suppose that if one examines the tenets of Intelligent Design, no one is making the claim that this Force (whoever she is) is necessarily benevolent, and I know there will be those who take refuge in the old shibboleth of Free Will, but if I’m going to invent an all-powerful Intelligence who can operate outside the laws of the physical universe, I would hope I at least had the sense to make sure that He/She/It had our best interests at heart.

That got me thinking, in my fevered, antibiotic-induced way, about other particular shibboleths of the IDers. One of their favorites is the eye: how remarkable, how complex it is; surely it couldn’t have just evolved, could it?

Oddly, I remember thinking in 4th grade, as we studied the structure of the eye, that something was screwy with its design. I mean, the cones and rods are backwards, aren’t they? Shouldn’t they face toward the incoming light in order to be most efficient? And what’s up with the blind spot? Why would you run all your cabling out through the middle of your CRT?

And then I thought… testicles. Testicles. If there were ever any fleshy bit that just screams out “random selection,” surely it’s testicles. What kind of Intelligence would design something as stupid as testicles? Let’s face it, guys, any one of us could come up with better ideas on how to stow those puppies in a better place.

For one thing, we might have decided to make sperm a little tougher so that they could survive at 98.6° instead of having to be stored in little dangly pouches outside the body. We could have snuggled them up there somewhere and encased them in protective cartilage or something. Could have made that a pretty useful kind of thing, too, sort of a built-in implant kind of thingie.

But no. There they are, all wrinkly and silly, just waiting to be whacked by a teammate or opponent, or a lover, or even an excited 18-month-old. What’s intelligent about that? Not much, in my opinion.

Discernible purpose in the design? I suppose you could make a case for pleasure, that they’re awfully fun to play with—if not to look at—but I don’t imagine that’s the kind of case that most Intelligent Designers are willing to make in public. So what kind of Intelligent Force would design such a thing?

And then it occurred to me, in a flash of inspiration. If one is willing, as that President Bush has recently said, to explore all sides of the controversy, then the answer is pretty obvious: testicles are clearly the product of the fiendish Intelligence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Isn’t it obvious, guys? We were made in his image, right down to the noodly appendage. This is the only possible explanation that fits in with the agenda of the IDers: Testicles are a testament to the FSM’s almighty power, not to mention his sense of humor, and are a daily reminder to half the population of his presence, or at least of his impetus.

So there you have it: either we can think that testicles are the result of one too many random switches being thrown, an evolutionary path that hung a right instead of a left (sorry…) a long time ago—or we can recognize the overwhelming Intelligence behind their design. Seems an easy choice to me.

Dear Science Creative Quarterly,

Some of my friends and my science teacher tell me that there is no Flying Spaghetti Monster. The Kansas School Board says that there is no Flying Spaghetti Monster. My dad said that if you see it in the Science Creative Quarterly, then it is so. I am certain I have seen pirates in Kansas as well. Please tell me the truth. Is there a Flying Spaghetti Monster, even in Kansas? Are there pirates in Kansas?

Signed, Virginia
123 Main Street
Topeka, Kansas

Dear Virginia

Your little friends and your science teacher are very wrong. Yes, there is a Flying Spaghetti Monster, even in Kansas. He is everywhere. Your friends and the Kansas School Board have been affected by the scepticism of a sceptical age. The Flying Spaghetti Monster certainly exists. He exists as certainly as there are mountains, midgets and trees. He exists as certainly as there is avioli, linguini and cannelloni. No Flying Spaghetti Monster? Of course there is a Flying Spaghetti Monster. And proof of His existence is validated by the casual connection, the statistically inverse relationship – between global warming and the number of pirates. That observable evidence is bedrock proof of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Those who do not believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster would tell you that in the beginning, the world and the universe were created by an unseen intelligent power – in their story called “Intelligent Design”. But they do not tell us who created the designer, thus setting up one of those impossible chicken-and-the-egg circular questions that cannot be resolved.

But all of this is avoided when you consider the Flying Spaghetti Monster. One is unlikely to be be-devilled by such questions when considering a plate of pasta. The existence of midgets, mountains and trees also negates the need for such questions. Intelligent Design is likely to ruin breakfast forever, because one would be so consumed by the unintelligent mysteries of a fake theory that one could never again consume breakfast. In fact Intelligent Design might start mass worldwide malnutrition.

And yes, Virginia, there are pirates in Kansas. Pirates are everywhere, and they help spread the word of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The recent snowstorms in Kansas are proof of the valiant fight against global warming. It has not snowed because it is winter. Global warming does not respect calendars. No, it has snowed because the number of pirates in Kansas has increased.

And here is a chart to prove it:

Irrefutable statistically valid evidence of the link between the amount of snow in Kansas and the number of pirates. As the number of pirates has increased, so has the amount of snow. The Kansas School Board would like to hide this fact. It would like to keep this simple chart from being part of the science curriculum of the Kansas schools.

Do not believe the Kansas School Board, Virginia. Believe in the power of charts. These offer observable, irrefutable scientific evidence of the existence of pirates, pasta and the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Signed, Anonymous
A Kansas pirate who intercepted this letter on its way to the Science Creative Quarterly.

A classic argument for the existence of God is known as the Ontological Argument (henceforth OA). This argument was developed by St. Anselm in the eleventh century, but has been greatly improved upon in the ensuing years. The argument, in a nutshell, is that a perfect being must necessarily exist. It is part of the very nature of a perfect being to be real- all beings which do not exist are by definition imperfect. This is because it is better to exist than to not exist (i.e. to exist brings you closer to perfection). So if we can merely conceive of a perfect being, then it must, on pain of contradiction, be real.

In a popular formulation of the OA, we are asked to imagine a being of which no greater can be conceived. One might motivate this process by creating a list of perfections. Reasonably, such a list would include omnipotence, omniscience, benevolence, being the creator of all of reality, and so on. We are then asked to compare this list with one in which the characteristic of “actual existence” has been added. Obviously the second list describes a more perfect being. It is clear then that the first list was not a description of a being of which no greater can be conceived. No matter what characteristics we have imagined, actual existence would be an improvement. Hence whatever characteristics we attribute to our perfect being, existence must be one of them.

While there have been many criticisms of the ontological argument, from Kantian metaphysics to modern quantificational logic, we believe all such challenges can be answered. However, we do not have time to review the nuances of this debate. (For more detailed information, please visit here).

Traditionally it has been argued (to be frank, it has generally only been assumed) that the necessarily existent perfect being fits comfortably into the Judeo-Christian mold. Now surely any perfect being has the characteristics listed above: it is omnipotent, omniscient, benevolent, and the creator of all of reality. Here we have no quarrel with tradition. However, we will soon see that there are several other characteristics which have been overlooked (or suppressed) by philosophers and theologians during the last millennium. We propose that a careful review of the reasoning behind the OA will indicate that rather than the God of the Judeo-Christian tradition, the OA indicates the existence of a mass of starchy substance capable of gravity resistance. Such a being must necessarily be, and so all denials of its existence involve blatant logical contradiction.

We will begin our argument with an experience most people can share. When a young person moves away from home and goes to college, he finds himself confronted for the first time with the task of providing himself with the necessities of life. For many a college freshman, this proves a nearly insurmountable task. While one can survive without paying the gas, electric, and phone bills, all living things require sustenance in order to continue to live. And what is the staple diet of the impoverished student? Ramen noodles, macaroni and cheese, and spaghetti. But it is not merely college students in first world nations who subsist on this food. The staple diet of a large portion of humanity is starchy noodles. The unique properties of this foodstuff make it the most popular form of subsistence in all of recorded history. Noodles are high in caloric content, they are nutritious, and they are simple and easy to produce. Clearly then, noodles are an objectively superior food. Indeed, noodles are the perfect food.

We will demonstrate that our perfect being must be made of the most perfect food. Before we continue, however, a potentially serious objection must be met.

Some will argue that because rice is a staple diet of so many people in the world, it must be the more perfect food. On the contrary, we argue that rice is a profoundly evil form of sustenance. The corrupting nature of rice should be evident to anyone who has taken seriously the twentieth century battles against the evils of Communism. This small, deceptive grain has provided the fuel for millions of Communist soldiers, Communist spies, and Communist infiltrators. What countries remain Communist in the twenty-first century? China, Vietnam, and Korea come to mind immediately. Now what food is most commonly associated with these nations? Certainly not spaghetti! The case against rice should be immediately clear. (As a side note, this result should be of more than casual philosophical interest. A central part of modern struggles against tyranny should involve changing the eating habits of those living under oppressive regimes.)

Now, why must a perfect being be composed of the perfect food? The argument is surprisingly straightforward. Since food is necessary for life, and life is more perfect than non-life, food is the fundamental substance, or substratum, of all living things. All living things are made of food. The perfect being exists, and because it is a being (rather than a non-being, such as a very small rock), it is necessarily alive. But of what shall our most perfect being be made? The most perfect food. Hence, the perfect being is made of some kind of pasta.

Another perfection is gravity resistance. Modern science holds that gravity is a “weak” force. However, this is in clear contradiction to the evidence. Anyone who has ever climbed a flight of stairs, fallen from a great height, or hiked up a mountain can attest that gravity is a strong force indeed. The scientific elites tell us otherwise, but the contradictions in modern physics are evident to even the most casual observer. If gravity were a weak force, then surely the rotation of the earth would cast us all into space. Does electromagnetism keep Mt. Everest in its place? Even a child can see the contradictions here. Only someone with an overabundance of education could deny the evidence of their senses in such an absurd way. Contrary to modern physics (which is corrupted by naturalism, evolutionism, and anti-pasta-ism), gravity is the strongest force in the universe. Surely, then, a perfect being is capable of resisting the greatest force in His creation. Hence, our perfect being is capable of gravity resistance (i.e. flight).

We hope this essay enables the reader to see the rational necessity of belief in the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

The truths of this world are not difficult to find, and much effort (and money!) could be saved if we were willing to accept the futility and error of so-called “scientific” reasoning and spend our time in careful contemplation of His Noodly Greatness.

NOTES:
(1) The arguments which demonstrate that a perfect being would require mortals to dress as pirates are too obvious to merit inclusion in this essay. This derivation is left for the reader.

(2) On the matter of spheres of meaty substance in the pasta matrix, we remain agnostic. One must not extend one’s reasoning beyond what is available in terms of first principles and evidence. Some room must be left for faith.

A definitive, simple experiment that can be reproduced the world over with conclusive results:

1. Gather a group of people together. Officemates or family work. For good scientific sampling, though, get at least a sample size of 9 with a good mix of gender and race.

2. Ask the question, “How does everyone feel about Italian for dinner tonight?”

3. Observe how many affirmatives are posted in the group.

From years of extensive, observed behavior, most people in the group will give positive answers like:
– “Cool”
– “Sounds good.”
– “Sure.”
– “I guess.”
– “Anything but Mexican again.”
– “Oh my fucking god Charlie! That was William Fucking Shatner!”

Obviously, there’s some innate trait humanity has that makes us predisposed to wanting Italian food. There are two theories for this behavior:

1. We did not have this trait to begin with and gained it through evolution. We lived in an environment that put Italian food all around us and we all picked up the trait to like Italian food. Economic factors helped because Italian food is generally cheap to mass produce, leading to a glut of product and selection at affordable prices for even the “common man” to purchase. The economic factors also leads to more companies putting out marketing campaigns for their products, adding contributing visual, sound and even scent-based influences in our everyday lives. Italian food is generally easy to prepare, giving sympathetic behavioral factors to make people want to eat more Italian food because it is less of a tax on our daily work life. All of this combined over a period of time has made humanity evolve into a society that is predisposed to wanting to eat Italian.

2. Humanity was created from an Italian source that imbued the predisposition from the beginning. Now, we know that while Italy was one of 4 birthplaces of modern civilization, other facts have shown that not all of humanity could have started from that one location on the planet. So, how could everybody in the world gain this trait? There must be some invisible, Italian entity that created all human life and spread them across the whole planet. This one source of Italian influence, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and it’s hand in our species existence can answer the question of why everyone is cool eating Italian. It’s grace that allowed us existence also gives us a desire for starch, oregano and cheap table wine.

The scientific method tells us to follow the wise old words of Occam, “Given two equally predictive theories, choose the simpler.” What’s the simplest explanation for how that desire to eat Italian food has embedded itself into the core of humanity? To use the first theory, we would have to agree on the influence of multiple sources (economics, social behavior and conditioning, etc.) that, over time, evolved our entire society into what it is today. On the other hand, the second solution just needs one element for it to work, that there is a FSM out there that created humanity and gave us the desire to honor it at its red-and-white checkerboard tables of worship. It answers the empirical evidence simply, cleanly, and just as equally as the evolution argument. Thus, it should be scientifically obvious that there is a FSM.

Q.E.D

To begin, let us look at the forms of life we can see on this planet. They all exhibit a certain degree of complexity, which is not found in non-living matter. A dog is much more complex than a rock. To express this, we can use the concept of Kolmogorov complexity. Living things possess high Kolmogorov complexity, because their DNA is decidedly uncompressible. As an example, consider the string of bits 10101010. This string has very low Kolmogorov complexity, because it can be compressed to ‘write 10 four times’. On the other hand, the string 0100101, is uncompressible in the same sense that DNA is. It has very high Kolmogorov complexity. That string was generated by me by tapping the ‘0′ and ‘1′ keys on my keyboard.

If I had a keyboard with only ACGT, I could similarly write random DNA. If we put that DNA into a cell, and tried to make a living organism out of it, I very much doubt we would get anything living, much less good at living. Therefore, the uncompressible complexity we observe in living things is also non-random. It has been created for a purpose: the purpose of building living things.

So, if the DNA has been created, then there must be a creator. Some choose to posit the Christian God, other choose intelligent aliens with amazing technology. The problem is that both of these choices also must have extremely high Kolmogorov complexity. My chances of randomly hammering out the code to a divine being on my four-key keyboard are even less than that of coming up with a living animal. These are really just restatements of the same problem; we still don’t know where the complexity came from. We could posit an endless string of Gods each who created the one before it, thus accounting for the extremely high complexity of a God. However, this string just results in higher and higher degrees of complexity and gets us nowhere. What we need is a way to get high complexity from low complexity.

If you’ll indulge me a brief tangent, I would like to discuss the properties of Spaghetti. Imagine a box of uncooked spaghetti. It’s essentially a series of straight lines. A box of 200 pieces of spaghetti has very low Kolmogorov complexity. You could easily compress the data contained in those 200 pieces. Now imagine a plate of cooked spaghetti, complete with sauce and, if you like, meatballs. Imagine the process of untangling this mass. It would take hours to individually sort each piece of spaghetti, clean off the sauce, and put it in it’s own separate place, and pick out the meatballs. This plate of spaghetti, all tangled up, and covered with delicious, delicious sauce, has very high complexity. Spaghetti has the astounding property of being able to go from very low, to very high complexity.

Now, let’s return to our search for a creator. Clearly Gods and super intelligent aliens don’t help us in our problem. A spaghetti God, however, could. It is reasonable that something of low complexity might come into existence on its own. We don’t look at a rock in the woods and feel the need for a designed. So, low complexity, uncooked spaghetti does not require a creator, it is quite capable of arising through random, natural processes. Then, when cooked via the infusion of energy, it can come to have a high complexity. Consider the difference between uncooked, and slightly cooked spaghetti. Slightly uncooked spaghetti has slightly higher complexity than uncooked. There is a continuous spectrum from low to high as the spaghetti is cooked. The more the spaghetti is cooked, the more energy has been infused. In order to create a flying spaghetti monster capable of creating life, which would have an extremely high level of complexity, we would need an extremely high amount of energy to do the cooking.

There is only one place where we might find the required amount of energy: the universe immediately following the Big Bang. Temperatures of 100 billion degrees Kelvin would certainly be sufficient to generate the high Kolmogorov complexity of spaghetti with the power to create life.

Thus, we have found a solution to the question of where the Kolmogorov complexity of life comes from. Uncooked spaghetti arose naturally (quite possible because of its low Kolmogorov complexity) during the first instants of the universe. It was then cooked by the extremely high temperatures, causing it to rapidly gain complexity to the point of being able to create life. Further increases in complexity granted it the ability to fly, and monster status.

There will likely be some neo-Darwinian, Ivy League, science elitist who will come up with some other object that can rise in complexity when cooked. In order to prove that the true form of the creator is that of a flying spaghetti monster, I will employ a version of the famed cosmological argument:

1. You don’t need a reason to enjoy spaghetti.
2. Everything (else) has a cause.
3. Nothing can cause itself.
4. Everything is caused by another thing.
5. A causal chain cannot be of infinite length.
6. There must be a first cause.
7. The first cause had no cause.
8. Spaghetti is the only thing that can have no cause, thus must be the first cause.

Q.E.D. bitches.

Profound science uses mathematics to prove theories. This paper introduces fundamental algebra and Boolean logic into theology to prove that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the one and only god. The perspective shown here makes any other philosophy senseless and undesirable. Actually it has the potential to negate even itself – dear god, what have I done?

Before starting to prove god, it is necessary to extend Boolean logic with a few new operators:

These 3 symbols are defined by the following relations, where x is an arbitrary variable of any dimension:

Additionally, some religiously important symbols have to be declared:

Now let the set of all major religions be defined as:

Simple vector algebra helps defining the logical religion equations where n < ∞, n є N:

The interpretation of n is not as easy as one may expect. It represents the amount of believed influence of god in everyday’s life. In Hinduism, two terms containing n are present because of the great number of gods they believe in. The FSM Church has one n factor because its god is still alive. The other elements of Я do either have a dead messiah or no god at all.

As you may have noticed, a god difference ∆ (“delta god”) is present, which can of course be calculated by summation of all god factors:

This outstanding quadratic equation will be solved later in this paper.

In general the faith symbol is defined to be the sum of god’s influence on earth:

Lemma: All elements of Я show a profound conservation of faith. This is similar to the conservation of energy in physics.

Sometimes, someone ministers an ecumenical church service. In this case, the god difference is zero. A little historical excursus leads us to Ecumenes, who was the first one to prove this important equation. Ecumenes fulfilled all criteria of a human being except the criterion of existence. What a pity. This important equation also allows solving the quadratic equation mentioned earlier:

Lemma: Solving the first principle of Ecumenes leads to introducing the complex numbers into FSM-Theologebra.

The next issue illustrates how useful mathematical methods applied on non-algebraic subjects can be. In general, the gradient results in the direction of a multidimensional structure. Assuming that god is a multidimensional structure, the divergence of god, written , represents god’s will. Applying our extended Boolean structure on the Nabla symbol, we can define it as the derivation after && (then-and-only-then) and ## (not-or-never) and insert the god operator:

A different philosophical approach to this topic brings us closer to the question: “What does god really want?” This is very easy to answer. God wants faith to arise with greater influence and he wants himself to arise with greater influence. This results in a second equation for god’s will:

In words: God’s will is the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Inserting this result into the earlier result for god’s will implies

Spoken: Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster – so it is.

A friend of mine sent me the web address to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and upon reviewing the site, I found the call for submissions for evidence of the FSM. I have been trained as a geologist and have become very suspicious of many current religions. However, after reading the ideas and theology of FSM, I am convinced that this church has the answers to many of the scientific problems I deal with in my professional career. The following is the evidence I have collected that undeniably proves the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The facts speak for themselves and I must now count myself “Touched by His Noodly Appendage!”

I work with the physical properties of rivers and during those investigations I have observed on many occasions, the curvature of stream and river channels in distinct patterns, called meanders. These patterns can be observed in the Mississippi River, in small streams of water moving over the ground, and even in the Gulf Stream itself. These patterns are very similar to those made by His Noodly Appendages. Water organizes itself into these patterns due to “helical flow”, but it has yet been determined exactly how helical flow causes the regularity of the patterns. Upon careful elimination of all other factors, I theorize that the meander patterns are direct effects of His Noodly Appendages control of the water. I also suggest that helical flow be renamed to ‘Noodical’ flow to better characterize the control on the system.

The age of the Earth has been calculated in part by radiogenic decay using the Uranium decay series, to an age of 4.6 billion years old. It is commonly observed that on the banks of rivers, sediment with radiogenic particles will date to a much younger age than the sediment currently being transported by the river. Many scientists assume the radioactive decay of atoms to occur at constant rate, but if decay was faster in the beginning and then progressively slowed through time, the Earth could be incorrectly calculated to be older through these dating techniques. If we assume that ‘Noodical’ flow is caused by a high concentration of Noodly Appendages (i.e. due to the creator being present at the beginning of time), then the total radioactive decay in these locations would be at a greater rate than in other areas not experiencing ‘Noodical’ flow. This can be measured by the current model of radioactive decay:

Where N is the number of particles, N0 is the original number of particles, e is the natural exponential constant, lambda is the radioactive decay constant, and t is time. Therefore, the difference in age between the banks of rivers and the transported sediment in the river is likely attributed to the increase of ‘Noodical’ flow in the stream channel. It can then be assumed that if ‘Noodical’ flow increases, the age of the sediment also increases based upon current radiogenic decay models. If He was more involved with the planet during the beginnings it can be assumed that Noodly Appendages came into a greater amount of contact with matter and radiogenic particles causing them to accelerate their decay and appear much older than they really are.

Mass extinctions have been found in the rock record and are cited as evidence for the age of the Earth. I propose here that it also provides compelling evidence to prove the Pirate Global Warming theory. If He is angry at those who do not dress as pirates, then it is conceivable that organisms prior the advent of humans – organism who did not apparently dress up like pirates – would have been targeted for destruction. This is suported by the multitude of mass extinction events that were sudden and can only be attributed to the swift, violent action of an angry Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was not until He created humans that this cycle of creation and destruction ended (albeit temporarily). It is important to note that this theory is clearly substantiated by the lack of pirate garb in the rock record, proving convincely that prior creations tended their own fate by refusing to wear puffy shirts and dubloons. Finally, and as an end note, this also constitutes a warning to our society that if future generations continue to refuse pirate attire, then our very survival as a species will be put into jeopardy.

Over the last century, the average global temperature has been able to be measured fairly accurately. Before this, temperature could not be measured very well, and good data are not available. The general scientific consensus is that over the last century, the average global temperature has raised linearly a total of 0.6 +/- 0.2 degrees Kelvin [1] to finally reach the current average temperature of 287.67K [2]. Using this data, the very common scientific method of extrapolation can be used to find an approximation to the average global temperature as a function of the year. If the data is extrapolated all the way back, it can be used to find the date when the earth had an average global temperature of zero Kelvin. This date would correspond to the date of the creation of the earth. To find this date, we use the previous information to find that the earth’s temperature rises 0.006 +/- 0.002 Kelvin per year by the equations below.

Then, we can use the integral below over the domain of existence from the time of creation to the present date to represent the situation.

Then, it is easily solved for x like done below:

Now, an estimation to the error can be found like in any good scientific study. The method of error estimation used here isn’t rigorous, but works well for most cases. To solve for δx, m and δm are used here as 0.006 and 0.002 respectively.

Therefore, this is evidence that the earth was created 45,994 years BC +/- 16,000 years.

Furthermore, at the time of creation, the earth was perfect and ordered. From the 3rd law of thermodynamics, the disorder (entropy) of a perfect earth at 0 Kelvin is zero, which means that the earth was perfectly ordered. Since creation, it has been found that spontaneous reactions happen if the universe becomes more disordered (more like spaghetti). The flying spaghetti monster has a very disordered structure, and the world always goes through natural processes to become more like the image of its creator. The thermodynamic symbol that is most often used to represent disorder (entropy) in physical chemistry is “S” also, which is suspiciously close to “Spaghetti-monster” This coincidence can be explained by the manipulation of science by his noodly appendage.

Another conclusion that can be drawn from these new scientific facts is that there were an infinite number of pirates when the earth was created. Since it has been long known that there is an inverse relationship between the average temperature of the earth and the number of pirates, the equation below can show this relationship:

Now, the limit of this can be taken as the temperature approaches zero.

So, it can be concluded that in the beginning, there was an infinite number of pirates.

These new scientific facts show that the earth was created, the universe tends to resemble its creator through spontaneous reactions, and there were an infinite number of pirates when the earth was created.

References:

1. link

2. link

Proposition 1. The universe exhibits too much structure to have evolved by chance.

Conclusion 1. There was a creator.

Proposition 2. All things are subject to the passage of time.

Conclusion 2. The processes of the universe were in action over the time period in which it was created.

Proposition 3. Nothing, not even a God, can know the exact outcome of a situation in the universe. Moreover, the uncertainty increases with the time elapsed since the parameters of the situtation were known.

Conclusion 3. If the creator wished to make the universe precisely as he pleased, then he would need to do it rapidly.

Proposition 4. Any being which would create a universe for his pleasure is an egotistical maniac.

Conclusion 4. The creator was an egotistical maniac.

Conclusion 5. Since an egotistical maniac would want things done his way, he must have (by C3), made the universe extremely rapidly; in fact, as rapidly as possible.

Proposition 5. If a creator could effect more points of space simultaneously, then he could create the structure in the universe more rapidly.

Conclusion 6. A creator with more appendages than another could have created the universe more rapidly.

Conclusion 7. Since, by C5, the creator made the universe as rapidly as possible, he has as many appendages as possible.

Proposition 6. The universe is discrete.

Conclusion 8. There is a minimal thickness to the appendages of a creator.

Conclusion 9. A creator with thinner appendages can have more of them.

Conclusion 10. By C7 and C10, the creator had as many appendages as possible, all of minimal thickness.

Conclusion 11. The creator was a Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Proof of Proposition 3:

Proposition 7. The creator made us for his pleasure.

Proposition 8. There is no pleasure to be drawn from us if we do not have free will.

Conclusion 12. We have free will.

Proposition 9. If the universe was predetermined, then we would not have free will.

Conclusion 13. The universe is not predetermined.

Proposition 10. The creator set up the initial conditions of the universe.

Conclusion 14. By C13 and P11, there is uncertainty in the unfolding of the universe.

Conclusion 15. As uncertainty on top of uncertainty brings even more uncertainty, as time passes, the level of uncertainty increases.

Conclusion 16. Proposition 3 is true.

Ramen.

There is irrevocable proof that the flying spaghetti monster created the world. Some people point to selective fossil evidence and then use fuzzy interpolation to explain gaps in the fossil record, some use fictitious supreme beings, and others claim some intelligent designer had created everything. I have factual proof that on every continent all that was created was touched by his noodly appendage. Others point to esoteric folklore to explain “their god” but the FSM has touched every continent and every culture leaving its mark with its noodly appendage. To clarify this overwhelming preponderance of evidence I shall break this down by continent to make it understandable to even the densest dogmatist. To start, I shall strike at the legendary home of the W.A.S.P., Europe.

Europe is the simplest example of the great work of the FSM. We can easily bear witness to the numerous pastas attributed to Italy. There one finds the origin of the contemporary name “Flying Spaghetti Monster” in the pasta called “spaghetti”. This long thin cylindrical pasta is not the only pasta on the menu; the types and shapes vary tremendously and the sauces that accompany them bring the selection to heavenly proportions. This is the most commonly cited example of evidence for FSM, but there is evidence implying the existence before Italy discovered pasta. Certain geographical features are even named after him. The Danube River is a perfect example – it is simply the old Hungarian term for “Da Noodle River”. Even the uppity French has unquestionable stone-age fossil evidence of His work in the “Acheulean Stone Twirling Spaghetti Fork” from Saint-Acheul, France, which has been dated approximately 1,000,000 to 300,000 BCE. From this we can gather unquestionable evidence of his hand in human cultures dating back as far as 1 million years.

Europe, while first discussed in this essay, is not the starting point of pastafarian history. Africa, the birthplace of humanity, is a continent that is only beginning to be discovered by pastafarian archeologists, and its potential for providing incontrovertible evidence of the Noodly One’s manipulations is only recently being realized. This minor oversight of the archeological community is exemplified by the presence of only two significant facts of historical record. The first being the presence of their own version of pasta, the Moroccan couscous, which was obviously manna from heaven and it’s abundance and shape is reflective of the environment that it is eaten in. Couscous is shaped in the likeness of sand, to match the sandy desert environment in which the early Moroccans lived. This is an example of how FSM is kind and understanding of the people in giving them a gift of pasta to which they can relate. Without an example of stringy spaghetti in the habitat, the people would not have known what to do with stringy noodles, so FSM shaped their pasta to match that of sand and instructed the locals to eat it. Now great sand dunes can be looked upon as manna from heaven in the form of huge piles of couscous. The second example is from ancient Egypt. Due to a mistake in the translations from the Rosetta Stone, the word for “reed” was substituted for “Megaghetti” (a large diameter form of spaghetti), thus the hieroglyphs were incorrectly interpreted as showing people gathering reeds instead of making huge bundles of megaghetti. The Phoenicians were attributed to have made reed boats to sail the seas, and everyone knows this is impossible. Anyone would know that megaghetti boats would self-seal in a pasty mass when it contacts the warm ocean waters, producing a leak proof, seaworthy vessel. It is through these original megaghetti boats that trade in the Mediterranean Sea was started. So we see from Africa FSM touched their desert people and started major trading empires. We shall go across the Atlantic to the New World Empires.

South America had great ancient civilizations. They had gold galore, they had yams, chocolate, potatoes, corn, cocaine, calendars that needed a leap day every few hundred years, extensive agriculture, and a huge bureaucracy. However, they lacked three important things required in any ancient civilization: they never utilized the wheel, they didn’t have horses, and they had no pasta. The shame of not being able to roll or ride was bad enough but to not eat pasta pulled at the very fabric of society. Both the Incas and the Aztecs tried to make up for these shortcomings. They conquered natives, they collected gold, they made temples, they pleaded to inferior gods, but nothing they tried worked. In desperation they started sacrificing humans to appease the inferior gods in hopes of gaining the great knowledge of noodles to guide them. This gambit was doomed to fail, and the arrival of Cortez hastened this failure. Some scholars claimed it was small pox that wiped out Montezuma’s armies, but that was not the case. Cortez brought not small pox, but a small tin of Spaghettios. Montezuma, realizing his own lack of Spaghettios, ordered his troops to fall upon their swords in shame. Ninety-seven percent of the population committed suicide, for their inability to attain enlightenment and noodles caused them desperation and abject shame. The other 3 percent were shameless cowards. Cortez, never one to shy away from credit, be it earned or no, claimed to have conquered the nation for Spain and gathered up the gold and sailed back. But it was a tin of Spaghettios that conquered the great Aztec Empire.

Moving north to North America we see the Native American civilizations that had been touched by Him. The most glaring evidence of His influence is the Aspen tree. This tree has its name, “Aspen”, derived from the Ojibwa (a.k.a. Chippewa) term “Aspe” meaning “Tree of gods that gives noodles, grows straight and tall, and rustles in the wind like the noodly appendages of The Great Flying One” (a minor side note; the Ojibwa were very good at shortening phrases into simple words). The truth provided by this tree of gods is self-evident in that the Aspen has an inner bark that can be removed, cut into strips, and boiled into an edible noodly dish. This was very good when served with pemmican balls made of venison. This is very close to spaghetti and meatballs. While some scholars claim it was convergent evolution, we know it was designed by FSM. The early colonial culture was inspired by the gifts FSM gave including the gift of pasta. This is clearly expressed in the children’s song lyric of “Yankee Doodle stuck a feather in his hat and called it macaroni”. “Macaroni”, a simple coincidental rhyming word? I think not! It is a historical fact. The revolutionary Charles Kraft started supplying the colonists with boxes of Kraft macaroni and cheese to spite the English who were insisting everyone eat biscuits and jam. The use of Macaroni was a way for early colonists to thumb their noses at King George through their dinner plates. Flying Spaghetti Monster left his mark on Native American culture and helped the American Revolution strike a blow for democracy against tyranny. We now can move to another English colony, Australia.

Australia is a relatively newly discovered continent. It was left untouched by Europeans until very recently in human history. The clearest example of the guiding noodly appendage of FSM is the kangaroo. These spry little marsupials have witnessed the great one and are working their way towards enlightenment. The little joeys realize that to fly like FSM is the first step to godliness. So the joeys jump, trying to remain airborne for as long as possible in an attempt at flying. They spend their days meditatively trying to jump high enough to become airborne and fly like the great one. A group of older transcendental kangaroos (and one tigger, a cat-like creature with tops made of rubber and bottoms of springs) have accomplished this and meditatively levitated through the air like FSM. This meditative spell was promptly broken by the arrival of Japanese tourists snapping pictures of flying kangaroos led by a tigger. To reward the kangaroos for their faith the FSM arranged for the tourists to be eaten by Godzilla upon returning to Japan. The unintended consequence was that it also ruined their film so the photo evidence of flying kangaroos being led by a tigger is lost to humanity. Otherwise there is only minor circumstantial evidence of His work in Australia. Most notable among this evidence is that the trees in the fairly lifeless outback are often referred to singularly as a “stringy bark” implying they pop up like FSM flying upside down, which incidentally is why Australia is called “down under”.

While Australia is replete with circumstantial evidence of FSM, you need only travel to the north to discover evidence of a more concrete nature. China has the oldest fossilized noodles in the world. The archeological community discovered an upturned bowl of noodles that had been fossilized over the last 4000 years, making them the oldest noodles in the world. There were reports of seven bowls of fossilized noodles dating back to 8000 B.C. discovered in southern Yangtze Province, but those were looted and served as “extra crunchy fried noodles” to the lunch crowd at “City Wok” in South Park, Colorado for $3.95 plus tax. Any noodles left over were devoured by a corpulent nine-year old boy of foul demeanor and temperament. Thus, the validity of this finding cannot be verified. This is just another case of how looting of antiquities causes their loss to the scientific community as a whole. Other evidence in Asia is the variations of noodles available. One can find short crisp noodles served as chow mien noodles in china, Pad Thai noodles in Thailand, and Ramen noodles in Japan, just to name a few. So noodles are an important part of the diet of Asia. In contrast we will proceed to the last continent, Antarctica.

Antarctica, the cursed, is the continent that is the Pastafarian equivalent to Christianity’s Hell. The beer volcano froze over millennia ago, the strippers wear big bulky parkas and snow pants, and the place is covered in ice and snow. The only native inhabitants are the ones cursed by Him. He has cast out those who have forsaken Him, the penguins. The short stout penguins are the direct descendants of the original midget. The midget got mad at FSM for making him short and out of anger cursed The Great One loudly and profanely. In retaliation, the vengeful FSM cast the reject to the coldest part of the world, and morphed the degenerate into a penguin. The penguin is the opposite of all that is godly. It has wings, but cannot fly. It has flippers instead of hands, so is unable to pick up noodles. It eats naught but fish, which makes nasty fishy meatballs. He created a land that is incapable of growing anything worthy of pasta creation; krill, the only thing the penguins have to make noodles from, tastes disgusting. Thus Antarctica is the land of rejected creations. Learning from this mistake, the next thing He made after the midget was a dwarf, which turned out pretty hilarious when it got drunk from the volcano and started simultaneously swearing at and hitting on the strippers. So the FSM kept dwarfs as an amusing distraction. He was so distracted he forgot the next thing on his to-do list, “make penguin-eating sharks.”

So we can see by the preponderance of evidence that it is beyond a shadow of a doubt that The Great Flying Spaghetti Monster created everything in the world and has influenced evolution throughout all of history. It has been shown that his noodly appendage has touched every continent and every civilization around the globe. This evidence has been carefully cataloged by the scribes assigned to the great pirate sailing vessels as they journey around the world gathering archaeological evidence of the great one. The only continent they avoid is Antarctica, and that is because they know not to go there; Shackleton brought back records of what the ungrateful penguins tried to do to him and his crew when stranded there. This evidence spans the globe, made manifest in the chow mien noodles of China, the aspen noodles of Nebraska, the flying kangaroos of Australia, and the great megaghetti boats of the ancient Phoenicians. This should settle all debates over the influence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.